Monday, April 5, 2010

I've moved

My blog address has changed:

The focus of my blog has also changed and it will now be primarily about wedding coordinating, however there will also be personal tidbits every now and then.

Also, don't forget that we do have a family blog as well where we share stories and photos of our adventures as a family of four living in Portland, OR.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My favorites

There are three things I could talk about no particular order they are:
1. Weddings

2. Parenting

3. Education

1. Weddings - ever since I got married I have loved weddings. This is why I started my own business as a wedding coordinator - I could talk about weddings for hours. Dresses, cakes, flowers, lighting, decor, music, attire...every detail about weddings is so exciting to me. I probably love all the details because I am such an organized person - I mean freakishly organized. Being a part of someone's wedding is the greatest feeling. Everyone is so excited and it is such a joyful day, but beyond the joy I really do love putting it all together. I love setting up the reception and seeing the bride after she walks in and knowing by the look on her face that she loves it. I love watching the happy couple enjoy their day and not stress. I could go on and on, but really everything about weddings makes me smile.

2. Parenting - I never knew how much goes into parenting before I had kids. I could talk about toddlers and tantrums, potty training, nursing, bottles, diapers, hugs, kisses, the silly things kids say...the list goes on and on. I enjoy sitting down with other moms and learning from them and sharing my own experiences and the give and take that is parenting. It's not that I was naive enough to believe parenting would be easy, but I had no idea how complex and multi-faceted it would be. What I love the most is that not only do I have two beautiful girls to parent, but a husband who is an amazing father to our girls and who I learn so much from.

3. Education - Even though teaching is an incredibly stressful profession it is one that I love. Even though there is so much political bull that goes along with teaching I love it. I cannot even explain the joy I get in seeing students grasp a concept for the first time. I love teaching writing and reading and sharing my love of literature with students. I also just really love working with teenagers. It is such an awkward and confusing time of life, but there is something about teenagers that draws me in. I think teenagers have so much to offer this world and I learn incredible things from them. Just today a student I taught in an online class called me a hero - I have never even met this kid...I am so touched.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

My love

I love this man more and more each day.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Memory Flood

Today we took Amalea to see a specialist for her eye and he confirmed what I most feared...she has pretty much no vision in her left and eye and there is nothing that can be done to correct it. Glasses or a contact will not help at this point because it is a problem with her nerve connecting - it doesn't connect. She sees light and dark, but that is about it.
My beautiful, spunky, joyful little girl cannot see out of one eye. This breaks my heart. Amalea is a strong kid and I know all that she has been through in her two short years has made her even stronger.
The doctor does want her to wear glasses for protection. If something were to happen to her right eye (the "good" one) she could lose all vision. So, now we take on the task of getting her to wear glasses all the time - for the rest of her life. Contacts will never be an option, laser surgery will never be an option. Her glasses are to protect her eye, not to treat a vision problem.

As I sat at the doctors today I had so many memories playing through my mind of the over two years of dealing with this.
I remember taking her in for her two week appointment and the doctor noticing the problem.
I remember being told we needed to do a brain scan because it was possible she had a brain tumor.
I remember countless times of holding my screaming baby down with force so she could be examined.
I remember not being able to feed her as she cried out in hunger before her surgery at just 6 weeks of age, having to deny her the very thing she needed most.
I remember seeing her after surgery, all bandaged and swollen and yellow.
I remember fighting with her to wear a patch until she would give up and fall asleep.
I remember getting her glasses not too long ago because we thought they might help her see better.

This journey has already been long, but it is far from over. Amalea will wear glasses and she has a lazy eye. It is a cruel world out there - I work with kids, I know how mean they can be - and I will send my baby girl out into it looking "different" from everyone else. As a mom, this is an incredibly scary feeling.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

a little understanding please

I've been thinking a lot about a situation in my life that happened 2 years ago...for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it lately. Probably because the whole thing just breaks my heart. Some of you know about this situation and may be surprised that this still bothers me so much - I don't know why it does - but it does. I apologize if this post is a big vague, but I don't need to name names or point fingers or bring anyone else into's not about is about the fact that this is on my heart and I need to talk about it. That is what this blog is intended to be - a place for me to share my heart. The good and the ugly.
Two years ago around this time a friendship of mine ended. This is the only time in my life something like this has happened. Sure there are people you don't really connect with and don't really become good friends with, but this was someone who I was getting to be friends with and then because of a few things the friendship ended. The bigger problem is that when the friendship ended between me and this person it also ended a friendship between my husband and an already established good friend. This is what still hurts two years later.
The thing that still bothers me is that this situation didn't have to end up like it did, but because of a lack of understanding or care to try and understand it did. I will not defend myself to the death - I made mistakes in this situation, I said things that were out of line and I admitted all of that to this person and asked for forgiveness. I don't know that forgiveness was ever granted to me because the friendship never continued.
Why do I ask for understanding? At the time that this happened I had a 3 month old. My first child. I was so overwhelmed by being a new parent. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and how to comfort my baby that cried a lot and how to deal with the lack of sleep I was getting. Yes, this may sound like it is an excuse and the truth is that it is - but I think it's a damn good excuse. I was experiencing a lot of changes in my life and wasn't as gentle or gracious as I should have been, but for crying out loud my whole life had just changed and I was confused and needed some help and grace. I was not given grace, I was not treated gently, I was not given forgiveness and that really bothers me 2 years later.
For those of you with new babies you know how hard the beginning can be as you transition into this huge change in your life. For those of you without new babies you may have no idea what this is like (though you may have seen someone close to you go through this change, I don't personally believe you can ever fully understand it until you yourself go through it - but maybe I am wrong), but please I beg all of you without babies try, try, try to give a little extra grace to the new moms around you. Even though new moms are in a state of bliss holding their tiny little baby it is still hard and some things around them don't make as much sense as they did before and they are probably tired and maybe even in physical pain or emotional pain. Try to understand and be gentle. That is my plea - friendships don't have to be lost and I shouldn't have to cry about this 2 years later.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Why is it so hard to ask for help in life? Why do we feel the need to do everything and be everyone until we reach the point of exhaustion. It's all about looking like we have all our shit together - but I don't - and I don't believe anyone else does either. Being real and honest can sometimes get ugly - but it's real and that in itself is beauty. Beauty happens when we come together and share our true feelings, our heart, our emotions, our fears, our failures. When we stand next to a friend who is hurting and say nothing, but stand to support them and let them know how much we care. Beauty is when we ask for help and receive it without someone expecting something in return.

If I am honest with myself, I cannot do this life alone. I can try so hard it nearly kills me, but in the end I have not gained a thing, but have just worn myself so thin I cannot be the person God created me to be. I cannot work two jobs, raise two kids, have a healthy marriage, and a healthy self image unless I have help. The help of my husband, my friends (here and in other states), my family (especially my mother) - this is how I stay balanced.
So, then why is it so damn hard for us to ask for help? I know I need it, but I still struggle to ask. Why do we try to appear all put together? I don't understand this about myself, about this world. Life is not always pretty and together and it doesn't always make sense, but the more energy we spend trying to appear that way the less energy we have to truly live freely.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Can you love more than one

Before I got pregnant with Maya I always wondered how I would be able to love another child as much as I loved Amalea. I knew I wanted more than just one child, but I just didn't understand how I would be able to split my love between more than one kid. Amalea was given all my time and all my attention and love. Would that all change if there was another kid around?
Now, I am sure some of you think it's silly I questioned this. Of course I see examples every day of families that have more than one child and love them all equally. But still, I was nervous.

Maya is now 5 months old and sure enough I have come to see that you can love more than one child and you can love them equally. I still struggle with feeling like I give Maya most of my attention because she needs help with everything still and Amalea is a very independent kid. But my attention does not equal my love. My love for my girls is equal and just because my time is now split between the two of them it doesn't mean I love Amalea any less.

Parenting is a balance. I try to find time for each kid individually, for my husband, for us together as a family, for work, for friends, and sometimes even for myself. It is exhausting, but it is so rewarding. To be able to love in all aspects of my life; to be so blessed with all the aforementioned things...I cannot complain. It is possible to love equally and I am so thankful that I have two wonderful children to love.