Hard decisions

I know I have blogged about this before and I'm sure 99% of you don't care to read more about my journey with nursing Maya - but for you 1% here it is. Actually, in the end I blog because writing out my thoughts and struggles really helps me process them - it's not about who reads it or who doesn't - it's about the journey I am on.
This morning I decided that I am going to be finished nursing Maya. I will try to still nurse her when she gets up in the middle of the night and maybe one other time before bed, but it is not going to be the primary way in which I feed her. For me this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make as a mother. It was also one of the hardest decisions I had to make after Amalea was born. With Maya I was really determined to nurse her because I was really bummed it was so hard with Amalea. Yet, in the end it has been really hard once again.
I know that plenty of people have told me it's ok if I give her formula and while I believe that I don't think I was ready to give myself the freedom not to nurse. I needed to be ok with this decision and up until today I really wasn't. I was still struggling through it and trying as hard as I could to nurse...but I am now ok with this decision.
I am reading a really good book called "I was a really good mom before I had kids" and one chapter is on guilt and one on judgment and both of these have reminded me that this is my journey - the journey of my family and I need to be doing what is best for all of us. At one point the authors of this book asked mothers what the hardest decision they have had to make in parenting was. Some said whether or not to work and while that was also a hard decision for me I think the biggest struggle was the decision to stop breastfeeding. It weighed hard on me with both of my daughters and with both I endured a lot of pain to try and make it work.
I have come to realize that part of parenting is making hard decisions. I know this is only the beginning - just wait until they become interested in boys!!!

To work or not to work

When Amalea was 9 weeks old I went back to work in the mornings. I got to work about 7:00 in the morning, taught 4 classes and was home by 12:00. I didn't feel like I missed a tremendous amount of time with her and luckily I was home for all the major milestones in her life. Plus it allowed Amalea and Jim to have the mornings together - and if you know how Amalea is with Jim you know that time they had created such an incredible bond between them.
We were lucky we had this option - Jim was able to go in to work at 1:00 because he worked evenings doing youth group stuff and in the end he got all his work done with no problem. This also allowed for us to get great insurance (one perk of teaching) and to have a really great income between our two jobs combined.

When we moved to Portland I continued to teach and still taught just 4 classes. However, my hours were a lot worse this time. I worked from 8:00 until 3:00....the 7-12 thing was so much better.

I took a year leave of absence from my job this year to stay home with the girls. The 8-3 days were really brutal on me and I felt like I really missed out a lot with Amalea. I really missed being able to get home at lunch time (and I was making the same amount of money doing 7-12 as I was doing 8-3...my school in CA was much more flexible with me). We made the decision at the end of last school year that I would take this year off. It didn't make sense to have to pay for daycare just so I basically could keep working (because I do love teaching) and so we could keep benefits. That was a tough decision though...I mean you want to make sure you can take your kids to the doctor when they need to go and my insurance benefits were really good. We didn't know how everything would work out financially, but we trusted that this was the best decision for our family.

I haven't really missed teaching a whole lot....well, I take that back. I have missed teaching - I love Language Arts and I love working with adolescents - but I have not missed getting up every morning and having to be prepared and on top of things every day. There isn't much room to have an off day as a teacher. And things are definitely tight financially as we are trying our best to make it work with just one income...and our health benefits are costing quite a bit more than they did and the coverage is not as good.

I was asked this week to come back and teach 2 classes in the morning. My first thought was that I would love to do that. To be a part of the staff and get to teach and have a little time each day away from my kids (trust me, I love them, but my days have been really draining me lately). Jim and I weighed the option from a financial standpoint, from a benefits and healthcare standpoint, from a time standpoint and what it would mean for his job and the girls getting to have time with him possibly, from a daycare standpoint and if that was an option...in the end though what made the decision was my gut. I couldn't get the feeling out of my gut that I just didn't want to go back - not yet. As much as I truly feel some days like I am going insane I am not ready to go back yet. I know I will have the chance to be in the classroom again, but for now where I want to be is with my girls. I want the chance to find balance with them, I want to see them grown and help them grow. I don't want to be gone every day for a few hours (not to mention that the hours wouldn't have been ideal since school doesn't even start until 9:30 - way too late in my opinion). I want to be here, I want to be present, I want to feel sanity with my girls.

I am so thankful I have an understanding husband who is working his ass of so that I can be home. I am thankful he is willing to make cuts in our finances so that I can be here. It's not easy on him to work long days and then come home and run up and down the hallway with Amalea and take Maya when she cries...but he does it. It's not easy for him to see me in my frazzled and slightly insane moments (sometimes with tears in my eyes) but he listens to me and helps so much.

Once upon a time...

...there was a young mother of two. Her daughters were beautiful and brought her so much joy, but lately she had really been struggling with how to give both of her daughters the love and attention she wanted to give them. She had an adorable infant who wanted to keep mommy in eyesight at all times and a vibrant two year old who wanted to run and play all day long. She had spent the summer months (the end of her pregnancy) going on daily adventures with her oldest daughter. They kept very busy and went so many great places. After the birth of her youngest the adventures slowed down greatly. Life was definitely easier if she just stayed home and played there, but the mother really struggled because though staying home was much easier with the baby she felt terrible for her older daughter who had to see all her adventures end. Now of course she knew that the adventures were only on pause for a short time and would continue in the future, but it was hard to explain that to an active two year old. The mother tried to take smaller adventures close to home, but often times those ended with at least one child in tears (though often both - and sometimes even the mother too). And so, the mother is left a bit confused on how to raise a toddler and a baby without feeling like she is neglecting one of them.

(OK, I understand this is third person, but it just seemed easier than admitting it as a first person story :-)

It clicks

I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now and one of the main reasons is because I wanted to better understand why I struggle so much with becoming frustrated or angry and not being able to move beyond that feeling. It's like I get stuck in this emotion and even if I feel like it is illogical I can't break out of it.
This last week in my time with my counselor I had one of those moments where it clicked - where it made sense and I understood myself in a new way.
There are two important pieces of this discovery: 1 - I don't advocate for myself and 2 - I am on empty.

First, I know exactly what I want and need much of the time, but I don't vocalize that. I am so afraid to say what I need because I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't see that in order to be healthy I need to take care of myself. I am so afraid to come off as someone who is selfish that I instead let my own needs go. I try to give hints as to what I need and I do for others what I would want to have done for me and then if it doesn't happen for me I get into a funk - which often means I am frustrated or angry. I then get frustrated with things that probably wouldn't normally frustrate me, but I am so caught up in the emotion of it that I become almost irrational.

Second, I am on empty because I am not speaking my needs and I am getting frustrated and angry and then also giving (yes sometimes hoping to be given to in return - but please don't mistake this to mean that if I have given of myself to you that I did not want to or that it was because I wanted in return...most of the time my giving is 100% genuine) so I am left feeling empty. I feel exhausted (emotionally, spiritually, physically) because of this. I so desperately need to be filled up again. I need to speak up what I need so that I don't become empty and thus not so much fun to be around.


One of my favorite things about teaching is when I see a student have a moment where it clicks for them. When they have struggled to understand a concept and I have worked so hard with them on it and all of a sudden they get it - it clicks - it is such a great feeling as a teacher. For me this week I was on the other side where something about my own self clicked - I was not the teacher, but the student - and it felt so good.

It is hard for me to write about this because it is a level of vulnerability I am very uncomfortable with, but Jim has inspired me (through his own blog posts) to be more vulnerable. My friends have also inspired me to share these parts of myself by encouraging me and helping me to see that sharing these parts actually helps others relate to me. Sometimes we feel so alone in our emotions, but the truth is that we probably are not...but sharing the "crap" is so hard to do because it sets you up to be made fun of or for people to walk away from you. We want friends, we want to be liked...but we so desperately want to be safe. For me safety means protecting myself from being hurt by others - but I will never get to know anyone and will never let anyone know me if I am always safe.

Mom Brain

I have always prided myself on my ability to remember things. And not just remember basic information, I have a knack for remembering details...what people were wearing, what the weather was like...those kind of details.
And all of a sudden I am so incredibly forgetful. I spelled someones name wrong - and this is not someone who I should have forgotten how to spell it; I forgot to call my dad on his birthday; I forgot I was making a meal for another new mom and did it one week late because I got mixed up....what!!!! I don't do those kinds of things. What has happened to me???

Oh yeah, I have two kids. A needy infant (she doesn't like to be put down much) and a growing toddler that is testing her boundaries. I am so exhausted so much of the time that I can't remember the basic things.

I am realizing how much my life needs to shift now that I am a parent of two. I just can't manage as many things as I used to. I can't plan to go to friends for dinner whenever I want or run to the store really quickly to pick something up. I need to write things down or else there is a good chance I will forget. I also need to be better about voicing myself. Some things are just too hard to manage right now, but I need to tell people that rather than make plans and have to cancel. I have a lot to learn about being a mom of two!!

Am I 13?

Why do I care so much what people think about me? At times I feel like I am driven to do certain things because of what other people will think about me because of it. I know it's so wrong to feel this way, but it's a struggle sometimes.
I had a really hard time nursing Amalea and stopped at about 4 weeks. With Maya I have had a bit of an easier time, but it has still been really hard. I won't go into any details, but it's been 9 weeks and at times I just break down and cry because its so challenging. And yet...I care too much what others will think if I give her formula that I continue to struggle through it.
There are other reasons I really want to keep nursing - its the best thing for her, it saves us money, its convenient - but in the end I know one of the biggest things holding me back is that I don't want other people to think less of me because I give my daughter formula.
This is just a moment of total honesty...I don't want to care. I want to be confident enough in my decisions for myself and my family that I don't need the approval of others...but it is so hard.

So impressed

I never would have guessed that a 2 year old could love a newborn so much. Every day I am more and more impressed with how Amalea loves on Maya. When Maya cries Amalea comes to tell me she is crying (as if I didn't know). She tries to give her a pacifier, she pushes her in the swing, she gives her toys to play with, she cuddles with her, tries to pick her up, rocks in the rocking chair with her, and gives her enormous amounts of hugs and kisses. It blows my mind. I am so thankful for my girls and the love they already have. I pray every day that the love, care, and concern remain with them throughout their entire lives.