Robin Dawn

I've moved

2010-04-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

My blog address has changed:
http://www.moseycreations.com/robinkrill/blog/

The focus of my blog has also changed and it will now be primarily about wedding coordinating, however there will also be personal tidbits every now and then.

Also, don't forget that we do have a family blog as well where we share stories and photos of our adventures as a family of four living in Portland, OR.
http://www.pdxkrills.com/

My favorites

2010-03-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

There are three things I could talk about non-stop...in no particular order they are:
1. Weddings

2. Parenting

3. Education

1. Weddings - ever since I got married I have loved weddings. This is why I started my own business as a wedding coordinator - I could talk about weddings for hours. Dresses, cakes, flowers, lighting, decor, music, attire...every detail about weddings is so exciting to me. I probably love all the details because I am such an organized person - I mean freakishly organized. Being a part of someone's wedding is the greatest feeling. Everyone is so excited and it is such a joyful day, but beyond the joy I really do love putting it all together. I love setting up the reception and seeing the bride after she walks in and knowing by the look on her face that she loves it. I love watching the happy couple enjoy their day and not stress. I could go on and on, but really everything about weddings makes me smile.

2. Parenting - I never knew how much goes into parenting before I had kids. I could talk about toddlers and tantrums, potty training, nursing, bottles, diapers, hugs, kisses, the silly things kids say...the list goes on and on. I enjoy sitting down with other moms and learning from them and sharing my own experiences and the give and take that is parenting. It's not that I was naive enough to believe parenting would be easy, but I had no idea how complex and multi-faceted it would be. What I love the most is that not only do I have two beautiful girls to parent, but a husband who is an amazing father to our girls and who I learn so much from.

3. Education - Even though teaching is an incredibly stressful profession it is one that I love. Even though there is so much political bull that goes along with teaching I love it. I cannot even explain the joy I get in seeing students grasp a concept for the first time. I love teaching writing and reading and sharing my love of literature with students. I also just really love working with teenagers. It is such an awkward and confusing time of life, but there is something about teenagers that draws me in. I think teenagers have so much to offer this world and I learn incredible things from them. Just today a student I taught in an online class called me a hero - I have never even met this kid...I am so touched.

My love

2010-03-20T10:05:00.001-07:00

I love this man more and more each day.

Memory Flood

2010-03-09T12:42:00.001-08:00

Today we took Amalea to see a specialist for her eye and he confirmed what I most feared...she has pretty much no vision in her left and eye and there is nothing that can be done to correct it. Glasses or a contact will not help at this point because it is a problem with her nerve connecting - it doesn't connect. She sees light and dark, but that is about it.
My beautiful, spunky, joyful little girl cannot see out of one eye. This breaks my heart. Amalea is a strong kid and I know all that she has been through in her two short years has made her even stronger.
The doctor does want her to wear glasses for protection. If something were to happen to her right eye (the "good" one) she could lose all vision. So, now we take on the task of getting her to wear glasses all the time - for the rest of her life. Contacts will never be an option, laser surgery will never be an option. Her glasses are to protect her eye, not to treat a vision problem.

As I sat at the doctors today I had so many memories playing through my mind of the over two years of dealing with this.
I remember taking her in for her two week appointment and the doctor noticing the problem.
I remember being told we needed to do a brain scan because it was possible she had a brain tumor.
I remember countless times of holding my screaming baby down with force so she could be examined.
I remember not being able to feed her as she cried out in hunger before her surgery at just 6 weeks of age, having to deny her the very thing she needed most.
I remember seeing her after surgery, all bandaged and swollen and yellow.
I remember fighting with her to wear a patch until she would give up and fall asleep.
I remember getting her glasses not too long ago because we thought they might help her see better.

This journey has already been long, but it is far from over. Amalea will wear glasses and she has a lazy eye. It is a cruel world out there - I work with kids, I know how mean they can be - and I will send my baby girl out into it looking "different" from everyone else. As a mom, this is an incredibly scary feeling.

a little understanding please

2010-01-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about a situation in my life that happened 2 years ago...for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it lately. Probably because the whole thing just breaks my heart. Some of you know about this situation and may be surprised that this still bothers me so much - I don't know why it does - but it does. I apologize if this post is a big vague, but I don't need to name names or point fingers or bring anyone else into this....it's not about that...it is about the fact that this is on my heart and I need to talk about it. That is what this blog is intended to be - a place for me to share my heart. The good and the ugly.
Two years ago around this time a friendship of mine ended. This is the only time in my life something like this has happened. Sure there are people you don't really connect with and don't really become good friends with, but this was someone who I was getting to be friends with and then because of a few things the friendship ended. The bigger problem is that when the friendship ended between me and this person it also ended a friendship between my husband and an already established good friend. This is what still hurts two years later.
The thing that still bothers me is that this situation didn't have to end up like it did, but because of a lack of understanding or care to try and understand it did. I will not defend myself to the death - I made mistakes in this situation, I said things that were out of line and I admitted all of that to this person and asked for forgiveness. I don't know that forgiveness was ever granted to me because the friendship never continued.
Why do I ask for understanding? At the time that this happened I had a 3 month old. My first child. I was so overwhelmed by being a new parent. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and how to comfort my baby that cried a lot and how to deal with the lack of sleep I was getting. Yes, this may sound like it is an excuse and the truth is that it is - but I think it's a damn good excuse. I was experiencing a lot of changes in my life and wasn't as gentle or gracious as I should have been, but for crying out loud my whole life had just changed and I was confused and needed some help and grace. I was not given grace, I was not treated gently, I was not given forgiveness and that really bothers me 2 years later.
For those of you with new babies you know how hard the beginning can be as you transition into this huge change in your life. For those of you without new babies you may have no idea what this is like (though you may have seen someone close to you go through this change, I don't personally believe you can ever fully understand it until you yourself go through it - but maybe I am wrong), but please I beg all of you without babies try, try, try to give a little extra grace to the new moms around you. Even though new moms are in a state of bliss holding their tiny little baby it is still hard and some things around them don't make as much sense as they did before and they are probably tired and maybe even in physical pain or emotional pain. Try to understand and be gentle. That is my plea - friendships don't have to be lost and I shouldn't have to cry about this 2 years later.

beauty

2010-01-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to ask for help in life? Why do we feel the need to do everything and be everyone until we reach the point of exhaustion. It's all about looking like we have all our shit together - but I don't - and I don't believe anyone else does either. Being real and honest can sometimes get ugly - but it's real and that in itself is beauty. Beauty happens when we come together and share our true feelings, our heart, our emotions, our fears, our failures. When we stand next to a friend who is hurting and say nothing, but stand to support them and let them know how much we care. Beauty is when we ask for help and receive it without someone expecting something in return.

If I am honest with myself, I cannot do this life alone. I can try so hard it nearly kills me, but in the end I have not gained a thing, but have just worn myself so thin I cannot be the person God created me to be. I cannot work two jobs, raise two kids, have a healthy marriage, and a healthy self image unless I have help. The help of my husband, my friends (here and in other states), my family (especially my mother) - this is how I stay balanced.
So, then why is it so damn hard for us to ask for help? I know I need it, but I still struggle to ask. Why do we try to appear all put together? I don't understand this about myself, about this world. Life is not always pretty and together and it doesn't always make sense, but the more energy we spend trying to appear that way the less energy we have to truly live freely.

Can you love more than one

2010-01-20T09:45:00.001-08:00

Before I got pregnant with Maya I always wondered how I would be able to love another child as much as I loved Amalea. I knew I wanted more than just one child, but I just didn't understand how I would be able to split my love between more than one kid. Amalea was given all my time and all my attention and love. Would that all change if there was another kid around?
Now, I am sure some of you think it's silly I questioned this. Of course I see examples every day of families that have more than one child and love them all equally. But still, I was nervous.

Maya is now 5 months old and sure enough I have come to see that you can love more than one child and you can love them equally. I still struggle with feeling like I give Maya most of my attention because she needs help with everything still and Amalea is a very independent kid. But my attention does not equal my love. My love for my girls is equal and just because my time is now split between the two of them it doesn't mean I love Amalea any less.

Parenting is a balance. I try to find time for each kid individually, for my husband, for us together as a family, for work, for friends, and sometimes even for myself. It is exhausting, but it is so rewarding. To be able to love in all aspects of my life; to be so blessed with all the aforementioned things...I cannot complain. It is possible to love equally and I am so thankful that I have two wonderful children to love.

Young love

2010-01-08T07:10:00.001-08:00

Earlier this week we got to spend a few days with our friends Noah and Rachael. They are engaged to be married in August and while we were hanging out I was reminded of the excitement of young love.
I love my husband very much and I feel like our love continues to grow and deepen as we adventure through life together. But sometimes I think we forget to just goof around and have that starry love struck look in our eyes. We have two kids, work "real world" jobs, and have a lot more responsibility than we did when we first met. I know there are days I probably forget to tell Jim how much I love him and there are plenty of days that I am stressed or overwhelmed with life that I forget to be "in love". We often spend our time together talking (whether about the business of life or about our feelings and emotions) and while this is important, I know I have forgotten to have moments of young love.
I have been reminded how important it is to really be in love and be in that moment. To put aside all the other distractions and "old people" responsibilities to tell my husband how great he is and how much I love and appreciate him. To find time to goof around and maybe have a little tickle war or play soccer in the kitchen.
Being in love is one of the most freeing feelings and getting to spend the rest of your life with your best friend is the greatest gift.

Jim - I love you more than words can express.
Noah and Rachael - congrats on your upcoming wedding and thanks for the reminder. your love is a beautiful thing; don't ever let that go.

kids make me want to vomit

2010-01-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I knew we needed to get out of the house, but it was pouring rain and I wasn't sure where to go. I had already been to the Children's Museum this week so I opted to head to McDonald's so Amalea could play on the play structure. It was our first time...soon after Amalea climbed up into the play structure I realized I had no idea what was up there and that I couldn't really see her. There were tons of bigger kids running around playing rough and I totally went into panic mode. Here I am holding Maya trying to see if I can find Amalea through one of the windows in the tall play structure and I started to feel sick. I literally felt like I was going to throw up I was so worried. What was Amalea doing up there? Was she freaking out and scared? Were the big kids pushing her around? Serious panic set in. I was trying to find something fun for her to do and I ended up stressing myself out. After giving her a pretty decent amount of time to play I finally couldn't handle my worry any longer so I climbed up in the play structure (while holding Maya) and got Amalea to come down. Of course she was having a blast playing and was doing perfectly fine so I didn't need to panic at all...how I am going to handle her going to school I have no idea!!!

2010 Baby Mania

2009-12-25T20:05:00.000-08:00

As I begin to look forward to 2010 there is one thing in particular I am looking forward to with great anticipation - babies. No, not another one for me...but instead I get to help welcome a number of babies into this world as some of my dear friends are expecting.
January 1, 2009 was the day I found out I was pregnant with Maya. January 3, 2009 I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a miscarriage. It was frightening in so many ways. I had just come to know there was a little baby inside of me and I thought just days later that I was going to lose that baby. Luckily she was fine and as you all know Maya joined our family on August 15, 2009. Maya is one of the best things of 2009 - and it was a hard year, probably the hardest year of my life. There are many things in 2009 that I am happy to put behind me and I am happy to be able to say this year of my life is over. It was hard. And yet 2009 brought me Maya...and as hard as it has been to transition to having two kids (and a lot of other changes as well) it has been an incredible journey as Maya grows and changes and also changes me, Jim, and Amalea. Babies have that ability - the ability to change us and make us do things we never thought we would do. The ability to make us scream and cry because we are so frustrated and also to make us scream and cry because we are so elated. They make us better people, more loving, more caring, more free...babies truly are a gift that changes us forever.
2010 will bring babies to 5 of my dear friends.
In January we will help welcome Baby Girl Leonardo. This is especially exciting because the Leonardo's also have another daughter, Ania, and so we will be able to go through raising 2 girls together!
In February Everett David Vaughn will be arriving. The Vaughn's are dear friends and we are so excited to be a part of welcoming Everett and hope he loves music and soccer as much as his daddy, Devin, and Jim do.
In April Baby Girl Reed comes. The Reeds have been such blessings to us. They have volunteered countless times to watch our girls and we trust them like no others. They also live about 2 blocks away from us so we get to see them often. We are excited to return many favors to these two wonderful people and can't wait to love on their baby girl.
In May my dear friend Lindsay Pompey will be having a baby boy. This little boy is extra special as we have been waiting for him for some time. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant with Maya, Lindsay had her second miscarriage. There were a lot of emotions for me as I was pregnant with Maya and so badly wanted my friend to have her hearts desire - a baby. For reasons unknown that just wasn't the time...but now it is and I could not be happier. There are some people in our lives that just make us smile and Lindsay and her husband Chris are those people...they will be incredible parents.
Finally, in June my best friend is having a baby. This makes me want to move back to California so badly because raising our children together would be a dream come true. Andy truly was a person that came into my life at a crucial time. She has been there to walk with me through some of life's hardest things. She makes me laugh and challenges me to talk deeply and freely about some of the more uncomfortable topics. Andy and her husband Danny are such special people. I hope to be able to be there for their baby as much as Andy was there for me after I had Amalea - but I know with living in different states it will be hard...thank God for telephones, skype, and airplanes.

Here's to hoping for 5 healthy and beautiful babies. Congrats friends.

Why worry

2009-12-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

I am a worrier...I always have been. In college I used to worry when my parents didn't call to check in when they said they would (a bit reversed, huh). When Jim doesn't answer his phone when I know he is somewhere he can I freak out and convince myself he is on the side of the road dead (pathetic I know).
So, when we realized a few weeks ago how tight our finances were with me not working I worried. There are other reasons I started looking for work besides just finances...we were hoping it could provide an opportunity for Jim to have more time with the girls and also for my mental health. But I was stressing...worrying...panicing even about it all.

But why do I worry...things always work out. When will I learn to trust in that, my past experiences, instead of worry and panic.

I got offered 3 jobs! And I am taking two of them.

Job #1: Teaching online. I will be teaching Junior English through Orange Lutheran Online which is a high school in Southern California. This starts the end of January and is an 8 week course. I am super excited because I get to work from home which means it doesn't take away from my time with the girls, but I get to keep teaching which I also love.

Job #2: Site Coordinator for ClubZ tutoring. I applied and interviewed for a position as a tutor in an after school program. I was hoping to get at least 6-8 hours a week doing this. I got called today and they offered me a position, but not just as a tutor, but as a site coordinator. What this means is I get 15 hours a week and will get paid more an hour than I would have as a tutor. There are 8 hours after school and the other 7 are on my own time contacting kids, scheduling, recruiting, and doing other organization things (I love organizing). So, the additional hours don't take away from my time with the girls.

Why worry, right? I feel like this is the story of our family. We realize how things are just isn't working and that we need to re-figure things out and then it all comes together...even better than we could have hoped.

Learning reversed

2009-12-11T10:52:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I don't realize how much I learn from Amalea and Maya. As a parent I focus so much on teaching them.

With Amalea it's teaching her letters and numbers, how to play fairly and share, how to use her words instead of have tantrums, how to be creative and explore the world around her, how to love books and reading :-)
With Maya it's teaching her how to sit up, how to lift her head when on her stomach, how to grasp her toys and play with them, how to soothe herself when upset.

But...the learning goes so much deeper than that. In ways I don't even realize my daughters are teaching me every day. These are some of the things I learn from them:

To play. I get so stressed about life and things that are not important. They drag me away from the worries and help me see the joy of playing.
To sing and dance. Amalea loves to do these two things. It is so freeing to dance and sing and be silly. I feel a weight lifted every time I do.
To run. We have a long hallway and Amalea loves running up and down it...running with her while holding Maya makes me laugh every time.
To smile. Maya's smile has a way of melting me no matter what. I have learned just how powerful a smile can be.
To cuddle. The warmth of holding my girls in my arms makes me so happy and reminds me to enjoy the moment.

There are so many more things I have learned, but in the end what it comes down to is that my daughters have taught me to live freely, to enjoy the moment, to relax a little and to have fun.

Hard decisions

2009-11-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

I know I have blogged about this before and I'm sure 99% of you don't care to read more about my journey with nursing Maya - but for you 1% here it is. Actually, in the end I blog because writing out my thoughts and struggles really helps me process them - it's not about who reads it or who doesn't - it's about the journey I am on.
This morning I decided that I am going to be finished nursing Maya. I will try to still nurse her when she gets up in the middle of the night and maybe one other time before bed, but it is not going to be the primary way in which I feed her. For me this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make as a mother. It was also one of the hardest decisions I had to make after Amalea was born. With Maya I was really determined to nurse her because I was really bummed it was so hard with Amalea. Yet, in the end it has been really hard once again.
I know that plenty of people have told me it's ok if I give her formula and while I believe that I don't think I was ready to give myself the freedom not to nurse. I needed to be ok with this decision and up until today I really wasn't. I was still struggling through it and trying as hard as I could to nurse...but I am now ok with this decision.
I am reading a really good book called "I was a really good mom before I had kids" and one chapter is on guilt and one on judgment and both of these have reminded me that this is my journey - the journey of my family and I need to be doing what is best for all of us. At one point the authors of this book asked mothers what the hardest decision they have had to make in parenting was. Some said whether or not to work and while that was also a hard decision for me I think the biggest struggle was the decision to stop breastfeeding. It weighed hard on me with both of my daughters and with both I endured a lot of pain to try and make it work.
I have come to realize that part of parenting is making hard decisions. I know this is only the beginning - just wait until they become interested in boys!!!

To work or not to work

2009-11-06T14:59:00.000-08:00

When Amalea was 9 weeks old I went back to work in the mornings. I got to work about 7:00 in the morning, taught 4 classes and was home by 12:00. I didn't feel like I missed a tremendous amount of time with her and luckily I was home for all the major milestones in her life. Plus it allowed Amalea and Jim to have the mornings together - and if you know how Amalea is with Jim you know that time they had created such an incredible bond between them.
We were lucky we had this option - Jim was able to go in to work at 1:00 because he worked evenings doing youth group stuff and in the end he got all his work done with no problem. This also allowed for us to get great insurance (one perk of teaching) and to have a really great income between our two jobs combined.

When we moved to Portland I continued to teach and still taught just 4 classes. However, my hours were a lot worse this time. I worked from 8:00 until 3:00....the 7-12 thing was so much better.

I took a year leave of absence from my job this year to stay home with the girls. The 8-3 days were really brutal on me and I felt like I really missed out a lot with Amalea. I really missed being able to get home at lunch time (and I was making the same amount of money doing 7-12 as I was doing 8-3...my school in CA was much more flexible with me). We made the decision at the end of last school year that I would take this year off. It didn't make sense to have to pay for daycare just so I basically could keep working (because I do love teaching) and so we could keep benefits. That was a tough decision though...I mean you want to make sure you can take your kids to the doctor when they need to go and my insurance benefits were really good. We didn't know how everything would work out financially, but we trusted that this was the best decision for our family.

I haven't really missed teaching a whole lot....well, I take that back. I have missed teaching - I love Language Arts and I love working with adolescents - but I have not missed getting up every morning and having to be prepared and on top of things every day. There isn't much room to have an off day as a teacher. And things are definitely tight financially as we are trying our best to make it work with just one income...and our health benefits are costing quite a bit more than they did and the coverage is not as good.

I was asked this week to come back and teach 2 classes in the morning. My first thought was that I would love to do that. To be a part of the staff and get to teach and have a little time each day away from my kids (trust me, I love them, but my days have been really draining me lately). Jim and I weighed the option from a financial standpoint, from a benefits and healthcare standpoint, from a time standpoint and what it would mean for his job and the girls getting to have time with him possibly, from a daycare standpoint and if that was an option...in the end though what made the decision was my gut. I couldn't get the feeling out of my gut that I just didn't want to go back - not yet. As much as I truly feel some days like I am going insane I am not ready to go back yet. I know I will have the chance to be in the classroom again, but for now where I want to be is with my girls. I want the chance to find balance with them, I want to see them grown and help them grow. I don't want to be gone every day for a few hours (not to mention that the hours wouldn't have been ideal since school doesn't even start until 9:30 - way too late in my opinion). I want to be here, I want to be present, I want to feel sanity with my girls.

I am so thankful I have an understanding husband who is working his ass of so that I can be home. I am thankful he is willing to make cuts in our finances so that I can be here. It's not easy on him to work long days and then come home and run up and down the hallway with Amalea and take Maya when she cries...but he does it. It's not easy for him to see me in my frazzled and slightly insane moments (sometimes with tears in my eyes) but he listens to me and helps so much.

Once upon a time...

2009-11-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

...there was a young mother of two. Her daughters were beautiful and brought her so much joy, but lately she had really been struggling with how to give both of her daughters the love and attention she wanted to give them. She had an adorable infant who wanted to keep mommy in eyesight at all times and a vibrant two year old who wanted to run and play all day long. She had spent the summer months (the end of her pregnancy) going on daily adventures with her oldest daughter. They kept very busy and went so many great places. After the birth of her youngest the adventures slowed down greatly. Life was definitely easier if she just stayed home and played there, but the mother really struggled because though staying home was much easier with the baby she felt terrible for her older daughter who had to see all her adventures end. Now of course she knew that the adventures were only on pause for a short time and would continue in the future, but it was hard to explain that to an active two year old. The mother tried to take smaller adventures close to home, but often times those ended with at least one child in tears (though often both - and sometimes even the mother too). And so, the mother is left a bit confused on how to raise a toddler and a baby without feeling like she is neglecting one of them.

(OK, I understand this is third person, but it just seemed easier than admitting it as a first person story :-)

It clicks

2009-10-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now and one of the main reasons is because I wanted to better understand why I struggle so much with becoming frustrated or angry and not being able to move beyond that feeling. It's like I get stuck in this emotion and even if I feel like it is illogical I can't break out of it.
This last week in my time with my counselor I had one of those moments where it clicked - where it made sense and I understood myself in a new way.
There are two important pieces of this discovery: 1 - I don't advocate for myself and 2 - I am on empty.

First, I know exactly what I want and need much of the time, but I don't vocalize that. I am so afraid to say what I need because I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't see that in order to be healthy I need to take care of myself. I am so afraid to come off as someone who is selfish that I instead let my own needs go. I try to give hints as to what I need and I do for others what I would want to have done for me and then if it doesn't happen for me I get into a funk - which often means I am frustrated or angry. I then get frustrated with things that probably wouldn't normally frustrate me, but I am so caught up in the emotion of it that I become almost irrational.

Second, I am on empty because I am not speaking my needs and I am getting frustrated and angry and then also giving (yes sometimes hoping to be given to in return - but please don't mistake this to mean that if I have given of myself to you that I did not want to or that it was because I wanted in return...most of the time my giving is 100% genuine) so I am left feeling empty. I feel exhausted (emotionally, spiritually, physically) because of this. I so desperately need to be filled up again. I need to speak up what I need so that I don't become empty and thus not so much fun to be around.

One of my favorite things about teaching is when I see a student have a moment where it clicks for them. When they have struggled to understand a concept and I have worked so hard with them on it and all of a sudden they get it - it clicks - it is such a great feeling as a teacher. For me this week I was on the other side where something about my own self clicked - I was not the teacher, but the student - and it felt so good.

It is hard for me to write about this because it is a level of vulnerability I am very uncomfortable with, but Jim has inspired me (through his own blog posts) to be more vulnerable. My friends have also inspired me to share these parts of myself by encouraging me and helping me to see that sharing these parts actually helps others relate to me. Sometimes we feel so alone in our emotions, but the truth is that we probably are not...but sharing the "crap" is so hard to do because it sets you up to be made fun of or for people to walk away from you. We want friends, we want to be liked...but we so desperately want to be safe. For me safety means protecting myself from being hurt by others - but I will never get to know anyone and will never let anyone know me if I am always safe.

Mom Brain

2009-10-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have always prided myself on my ability to remember things. And not just remember basic information, I have a knack for remembering details...what people were wearing, what the weather was like...those kind of details.
And all of a sudden I am so incredibly forgetful. I spelled someones name wrong - and this is not someone who I should have forgotten how to spell it; I forgot to call my dad on his birthday; I forgot I was making a meal for another new mom and did it one week late because I got mixed up....what!!!! I don't do those kinds of things. What has happened to me???

Oh yeah, I have two kids. A needy infant (she doesn't like to be put down much) and a growing toddler that is testing her boundaries. I am so exhausted so much of the time that I can't remember the basic things.

I am realizing how much my life needs to shift now that I am a parent of two. I just can't manage as many things as I used to. I can't plan to go to friends for dinner whenever I want or run to the store really quickly to pick something up. I need to write things down or else there is a good chance I will forget. I also need to be better about voicing myself. Some things are just too hard to manage right now, but I need to tell people that rather than make plans and have to cancel. I have a lot to learn about being a mom of two!!

Am I 13?

2009-10-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

Why do I care so much what people think about me? At times I feel like I am driven to do certain things because of what other people will think about me because of it. I know it's so wrong to feel this way, but it's a struggle sometimes.
I had a really hard time nursing Amalea and stopped at about 4 weeks. With Maya I have had a bit of an easier time, but it has still been really hard. I won't go into any details, but it's been 9 weeks and at times I just break down and cry because its so challenging. And yet...I care too much what others will think if I give her formula that I continue to struggle through it.
There are other reasons I really want to keep nursing - its the best thing for her, it saves us money, its convenient - but in the end I know one of the biggest things holding me back is that I don't want other people to think less of me because I give my daughter formula.
This is just a moment of total honesty...I don't want to care. I want to be confident enough in my decisions for myself and my family that I don't need the approval of others...but it is so hard.

So impressed

2009-10-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

I never would have guessed that a 2 year old could love a newborn so much. Every day I am more and more impressed with how Amalea loves on Maya. When Maya cries Amalea comes to tell me she is crying (as if I didn't know). She tries to give her a pacifier, she pushes her in the swing, she gives her toys to play with, she cuddles with her, tries to pick her up, rocks in the rocking chair with her, and gives her enormous amounts of hugs and kisses. It blows my mind. I am so thankful for my girls and the love they already have. I pray every day that the love, care, and concern remain with them throughout their entire lives.

Balance

2009-10-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't really figured out how to find balance just yet as a mother of two. Some days I think I can do everything I used to do without a problem and set out with the kids in tow. Usually at some point I realize I am overwhelmed and am trying to do too much. Other days I decide to just stay home and play here, but then Amalea gets a little stir crazy and tends to find trouble at that point. So, where is the balance? I think I need to find a few things to do to get us out, but they need to be things geared towards my kids (mainly Amalea at this point), not towards me.
I know a balance of taking care of my needs and my girls' needs can be found, but I am still working on that.
With all that said...Amalea is at such a fun age. She is listening really well and usually when she doesn't listen its a choice of hers, not that she doesn't understand. She has started to speak in full sentences and can even carry on a conversation...so much fun! She is very accident prone - maybe as a result of her vision problems - so I always feel a little nervous, but I she is definitely tough because of that.
Maya is growing into her own little person and is almost two months old. She can't fit into her newborn clothes anymore and I feel like she is growing even faster than Amalea did. She has a lot of strength and is starting to play and smile more. I love when I walk into a room because she focuses on me and follows me with her eyes...we've definitely been bonding!
My girls are incredible and I am so thankful for them. I know balance will be found as we live each day and learn from the things we do well and the things that don't go so well.

Joy

2009-09-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about joy lately. After a tough year of transitions and change Jim and I started to see a counselor last week. I started to do a lot of personal reflection in preparation for our meeting with the counselor. It's hard to say, but what I have come to realize is that for awhile now I have not been a very joyful person. I have SO MUCH in my life to be joyful about, but I get into these funks where I cannot smile and enjoy my life. I realize I need help working through my "funk" periods so that my family and I can be more full of joy.

I want to be a person of joy. I want to bring laughter and fun back into the areas of my life in which I have let is slip away.

I don't know why I focus on the bad things rather than the good. I don't know why I can't let things go more easily and why when I am frustrated or upset it takes so much for me to move beyond it.

I don't even know why I am blogging this and am willing to share it with the world (or whoever reads this), but for me I think this is part of the process of finding joy again. For the most part I don't want anyone to know I am not perfect or that I don't have it all together so I put on a happy face for the world, but true joy is what I long to find - not a cover or a front. Maybe I hope admitting my lack of joy will help me find joy.

Community

2009-09-16T14:13:00.001-07:00

One of the reasons Jim and I moved to Portland is that we were seeking community...people our age in our stage of life that we could experience the joys and challenges of life together. Picking up and leaving everything we knew was not easy and it took us awhile to adjust to all the life changes (not just a new place, but new jobs and even leaving a career for Jim), but alas we settled into an amazing community.
What I love the most is that there are many layers to this community. There are the people we really connect with that we have gotten to have more intimate friendships with. There are people we see weekly, people from our jobs that we have connected with, and even total strangers that are a part of our lives.
Just today I went out for about 3 hours and walked with the girls around our neighborhood.
What I love about community is that people look out for each other. At the library Maya got a little fussy and Ben (who we just ran into at the library) took Ami and read her a book while I calmed Maya down and Mallory (Ben's wife) stayed with me so I didn't feel so embarrassed with a crying baby). Then at the park Amalea was playing with this little girl so I started talking to her mom and dad who were there (and probably the same age as me). Maya got cranky because she was hungry and the couple offered to keep an eye on Ami so I could go sit and nurse Maya (don't worry I could still see her).
It is moments like these when I realize the power of community...when a mother of two can go out and about for a decent amount of time and not feel alone and can get help when it is needed. I am so happy we have found this place, that we live here, that this is our life, our support system, our friends, our community.

Staying Home

2009-08-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've always been a worker. I was the odd kid who the second I could get a workers permit I got a job. I even worked before that (under the table for neighbors and such). I actually always really liked having a job and liked working. I never really thought about what I would do once I had kids (because I never thought I would get married and have kids). I guess that I thought once I had kids I would find a way to continue to work...and here I sit with two kids (so amazing) and I am not planning on working.
Part of me is nervous to be home so much and worried that I will get a little "cabin fever", but for right now I have so much peace about this stage of my life. I can't wait to spend so much time with my two girls and get to see them grow and develop.
I did apply for a job teaching online, but I did not get it. Yes, a part of me feels the sting of rejection and feels like that is a direct shot to my teaching ability...but I am trying not to take it personally. It's a rough year in education.
Part of me is now worried about money and insurance, but my ever trusting husband keeps telling me to trust and not to worry - it always works out. It's just such a different position for me to be in and I am so excited for the adventure to begin!!

My big girl

2009-08-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

Many of you know of Amalea’s eye adventures that started at 2 weeks of age (well birth technically, but we didn’t know until she was 2 weeks). Today Amalea got her first pair of glasses to try and help her use her left eye more. I was so proud of her and she was a total hit at the eye doctor...telling everyone hello and waving and being her normal goofy self. It's hard to believe that she is almost 2 years old!!

My joy

2009-08-05T18:00:00.001-07:00

I will be honest and say that parenting is definitely not always easy. Some days I feel like Ami and I are just a little off from each other. But there are also days (and moments even on the off days) where I am so captivated by her. I watch this child who is so thrilled by the little things and am reminded that no matter what happens in life I need to smile a little bit more. I watch her get caught up in a book or playing with a toy and she reminds me to have more fun.
I cannot imagine what life is going to be like with two girls to give me such joy. My prayer is that I slow down more and enjoy the moments more.
It's been a tough year of transition as we have been in Portland now for just about one year. I have made a lot of mistakes and wish some things hadn't happened the way they did. And yet they happened just as they did and I vow to learn from everything and makes changes so that this next year can only be better.
I will find my joy in my family. I will commit to be better to them; to laugh more, to smile more, to relax more, to love more, to give more hugs and kisses. This year will be a better year.

If you follow Amaleas blog I posted some pictures today from a fun morning (amaleakrill.com). This may be the last post on her blog as we are moving to a new blog for our family (pdxkrills.com) that we will start using once Maya get's here - any day now!!

Birth

2009-07-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

Maya remains in the breech position (head up instead of down and ready to enter the world) and it is getting really tight in there so she doesn't have much room to actually turn at this point. I am trying what I can to get her turned so that we can have a natural childbirth. I know that a C-section is always a possibility and that for us it is an even higher possibility at this point and I am coming to terms with that.
It's not that I think a C-section is such a bad thing...but I long so much to birth my child and have the doctors put her in my arms in that moment as she takes her first breath and lets out a little cry. I didn't get to have that moment with Amalea and it makes me sad that I may not get to have that moment with Maya either.
When Amalea was born her cord had been pinched and she was immediately responded to be a pediatric emergency team. They cleaned her right away, cut her cord, and treated her. She was breathing, but not strongly...not strong enough to let out a cry even. It was one of the scariest moments in my life watching them work on my daughter I had been preparing for for the last 9 months. Jim and I just prayed and cried together as they reassured us she would be ok (and of course she was).
I guess a part of me needs to let go of the "ideal or perfect" birth and realize that whatever it takes to have healthy child is most important. It's not about me or my experience, but about my daughter and her safe entry into this world.

The elephant in the room

2009-07-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

I had a job interview yesterday and felt fairly confident going into it except for one thing...I have a giant belly that is obviously very close to popping! I thought for sure as soon as I walked in they would want to ask when the baby was due and they would realize that Maya should be here pretty close to the start date for the position.
Instead my giant stomach was like the elephant in the room....at least to me it was :-) The 3 people who were interviewing me never asked about it. They did go over the dates a couple of times (maybe to make sure I knew), but they never said anything direct. At one point I said "obviously I am expecting a baby soon" and one of the guys sarcastically said "no way!" and then proceeded to tell me that they could not ask about it. Pregnancy cannot legally effect whether or not I get the position so instead it was just avoided.
Obviously at every second of the day I feel the baby and am pretty uncomfortable at this point so to me it is something I always am thinking about...this is why it was so odd to just avoid the topic. But it is probably better they don't realize how close the dates actually are.

It's Done

2009-07-14T07:43:00.001-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I have major test anxiety. When Jim and I first started talking about moving we heard that Oregon accepted the CSET which was the testing I had to do in order to get my teaching license in CA. It was perfect because I wouldn't have to take more tests. Then we got here and I started working and realized that in fact OR did not accept the CSET, but that I had to take 4 more tests here in OR in order to get my teaching license. The anxiety set in big time!!!
I put off the tests until I got pregnant and then figured I better get it done before the baby came so I didn't have that worry in the back of my mind. First I took the ORELA which is a multiple subject test (something I didn't have to take in CA since I taught high school). After a few months I took the PRAXIS (the harder of the tests and more similar to the CSET).
I never feel great after taking a test. No matter how confident I am I just can't convince myself I did well. In addition there was some serious life anxiety happening the day I took the PRAXIS and I wasn't as focused as I would to like to have been so I really didn't feel great about it (or life at that point).
BUT....
Today I got news that I passed the PRAXIS. I passed the ORELA a few months ago. It is all finished now!!! I can officially get my OR teaching license and be finished with all the horrible tests.

Excuses

2009-07-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like I use busyness as an excuse all the time. I am too busy to make plans with people. I am too busy to take time for myself. I am too busy to write in my journal. I am too busy to read a book. I am too busy to make dinner. In the end it's just an excuse and I need to stop giving it because it really is not legitimate. I haven't done the things I love in way too long (reading, writing, being alone) and it's time for me to make time rather than make excuses.

Parenting

2009-06-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

We've had a few rough nights lately as Amalea transitions to a toddler bed. Initially she did great, but about a week in she started getting up and not wanting to go to sleep. Today this is what I thought...I don't know how single parents do it. Or...I don't know how parents do it when all the responsibility of child rearing falls on one partner.
I would be a mess without Jim. I have learned so much from Jim about patience and loving guidance and truly feel pretty often that he is a "better" parent than I am. I know I have so much to learn about parenting and raising a toddler, but I am so thankful I have someone to learn with. I have someone who wants to help and wants to be involved and wants to give me rest when I need it. I would be so lost without Jim and I am so thankful that though the last few nights have been rough we've been able to do it together...as a team.

Results

2009-06-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got the results from the glucose test and they were normal. I do not have gestational diabetes, but I do need to take better care of myself. Like Jim said the whole experience was a good kick in the ass which I needed. I need to be better about eating healthier and exercising more. I am just thankful there is not an extra thing to worry about going wrong.

Diabetes?

2009-06-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

This week I took a glucose blood test as part of my pregnancy and unfortunately my numbers came back really high which means I am high risk for having gestational diabetes. In order to determine whether or not I have gestational diabetes I have to take a follow up blood test. This test takes 3 hours and I have to have my blood drawn 3 different times. In addition, I have to fast for 10 hours prior to the test as well as during it.
I am not looking forward to this test for a number of reasons. Ultimately I am not excited because the outcome scares me. I know gestational diabetes can be treated, but of course I hope I don't have it. It's another thing to put on my plate and I already feel overwhelmed by a lot of other things at the moment. I also am not looking forward to the fasting part or the part where I actually have to get my blood drawn so many times - I don't do well getting blood taken.
I am guessing we won't know results until Monday. Thank you for your prayers.

My family

2009-05-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

In just a few short months we will have our second child and to be honest I cannot even imagine how life will be. I am so excited and yet there is a bit of me that is anxious. It's walking into the unknown - I don't know how it will be. Then I remember that at one point I didn't know how life would be with one kid and as soon as Amalea was born it all fell into place. I don't think we can ever be completely prepared for major life changes because there is no formula that explains the change...instead we must experience the change as it happens and learn as we go. I love my family of 3, but am so incredibly excited for our soon to be family of 4.

(there are more pictures of Amalea from our beach day on her blog at http://www.amaleakrill.com/?p=255)

Music

2009-05-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know much about music - ok, I don't know anything about music - except that I like it. I watch Jim play and I am in awe of his talent and gifting. What I do know is that music is a great relaxer for me. Music can literally change my mood.
Lately life has been a bit hectic and with all the unknowns for the future I have truly been depending on music to help keep me calm and level. I find myself listening to worship songs more than anything, and specifically listening to Jim or our friend Devin. The words remind me to keep perspective in life and I need that. I tend to be someone who gets a little excited about things that haven't even happened or I get worried about something that might happen - I need people to remind me to stay calm and allow time to reveal what it will. I feel like both Jim and Devin write music in which I am reminded of these things and I am thankful for them and the music they create.

Trimester 3

2009-05-09T19:54:00.001-07:00

I am now officially beginning my third trimester of pregnancy. I started my 27th week today and the tired feeling has already hit. I think it was a combination of a few other things, but I do find it ironic that the night before the third trimester I went to bed at 8:45 and then took a nap also...oh man...it's starting. It's not even 8:00 tonight and I am so tired.
They say that at this point the baby weighs just over 2 pounds. We are in the weight gain phase now where she has pretty much developed completely and now she just grows. Of course this means I will grow also - sigh.
I wish it was August 14 now!!!!!!

Why I love Sunday afternoons...

2009-04-26T16:31:00.001-07:00

Leap of Faith

2009-04-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

A little over a year ago Jim and I began to discuss the possibility of moving away from Southern California. We got to the point in the process where we knew we needed to take what some would call a "leap of faith", so we did. I remember having moments of thinking we were totally insane, but we trusted that we were doing the best thing for us and our family. It amazes me to think back on the entire process and see where we are now. That leap of faith was the best decision and I am so happy we did it. So, if you are reading this and wondering what the future holds for you and if you should take that leap I encourage you to do it. You might feel a little crazy or unwise, but if you're like us it will be the best decision you ever made.

Spoiled

2009-04-12T19:33:00.001-07:00

Recently I have come to realize just how spoiled I am and the thing is I've been spoiled my whole life.
PARENTS: Growing up I wasn't spoiled with money or even material things, but I was spoiled by having great parents who were really involved in my life. They never missed an event I was a part of (and that includes playing something like 6 sports and being involved in lots of activities at school), they taught me incredible lessons on wisdom and most of all they loved me even when I probably didn't deserve it. Later in life, my parents have spoiled me financially and given us help when we really needed it and encouraged us when we made big decisions.
HUSBAND: I am spoiled all the time in my marriage. Jim treats me with utmost respect and constantly reminds me how special I am and how much he loves me. He sometimes even forces me to spoil myself. He is selfless and truly puts me first all the time.
FRIENDS: As has everyone, I have been through friendships that were hard and not very healthy, but in the end I have encountered some of the most amazing ladies in my life. I look at all the stages of my life and there are friends I consider close from each stage. Some friends I talk to more often than others, but in truth I have friends from High School days, Junior College days, APU days, Thousand Oaks days, and now Portland days that I know will be there for me through any joy or pain.

Sometimes I think that being spoiled only means you have a lot of money, but what I have come to see in my life is that I am incredibly spoiled by knowing amazing people and being a part of their lives. I thank all of you that spoil me and make me feel loved. I thank those of you who have come to visit when we moved, those of you who have supported us financially in different trips or adventures we take, those of you who clean the house without being asked, and those of who love me even when I truly don't deserve it.

Pregnant and...Emotional

2009-04-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today I went through feeling a very wide range of emotions. I'd like to blame some of it on the pregnancy hormones, but seriously I don't know. Excitement, Joy, Frustration, Depression, Contentment...it was a lot. When I was out driving I pulled over for an ambulance to pass and the next thing I knew I was crying - I mean seriously sobbing. I was so sad for whoever the ambulance was helping. And then, not 10 minutes later I felt total contentment driving with Amalea with all the windows down and the music blaring - we were both laughing so hard. It was perfect weather and Amalea and I had a blast being silly. I felt depressed about having to go back to work tomorrow (not your normal dreading of Monday, but seriously depressed with my whole body to the point that I was in tears).
Needless to say, I am exhausted. It's not even 9:00 yet and I am longing for sleep...ahhhh...the emotional roller coaster I ride.

Another girl

2009-03-21T08:48:00.001-07:00

All my life I wanted to have baby boys - I was such a tomboy and that made me so nervous to have a baby girl. Then I got pregnant and I didn't care if it was a boy or girl - I just wanted a healthy baby. We found out it was girl and I cried tears of joy. I didn't realize how much I would love having a girl. Amalea makes my life so much fun and I couldn't imagine life without her. Then I got pregnant again. Again, I didn't care if it was a boy or girl, but once again when I found out it was girl I cried. I am so thrilled that Amalea will have a sister and that they will be so close in age.
It's funny how you think you want one thing and then when something else happens you realize how happy you are with that thing and you can't even imagine wanting the other thing (not sure if that makes any sense). Basically, I am so excited. I will have two daughters - so fun!

Again...

2009-03-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

I just had another friend miscarry her baby. I don't get it. I just don't. All the excitement and joy and then it's taken away so quickly. I feel sad and a little angry.

Invisible Children

2009-03-06T11:59:00.001-08:00

So, each year I have been teaching I have shown the documentary "Invisible Children" to my students. This year I debated whether or not to show it - I wondered if it was too much for them. However, I decided to show it because it fit well as a post discussion from the novel we just finished, "The Wave".
I have been so surprised by their responses. In many ways they are much more serious than my high school students. I'm not sure why this is a surprise to me, but it is. Many students have left in tears and most have had questions filled with frustration and anger.
We are writing letters to the president in response to the film and I have been impressed by what they have to say. I work in a fairly wealthy community and to see these students open their hearts just a little means so much to me.
One student came to me and asked where I was sending the letters and said she wanted the address herself because she wants to do something on her own.

Why is it that we, as a culture, doubt the care our teenagers have? I think we so often underestimate them - I know I do. I want to remind myself to challenge them and give them awareness because they have so much to offer this hurting and broken world.

Lent

2009-03-04T19:06:00.001-08:00

So, I didn't initially commit to giving up anything specific for Lent this year. I don't know why I didn't, but nothing stuck out to me as something I really need to work on doing without...and then yesterday it hit me...I need to give up searching for a new home.
We are in a lease out our current place until August so really I don't need to be looking yet. However, I am so anxious to move that I look every day to see if anything new has come on the market. It's really pretty pathetic. I know the exact neighborhood we want to live in and the schools I would want my kids in and the schools I would not want my kids in and so I think to myself "something perfect is going to come along and I don't want to miss it". And then I end up spending hours looking on multiple websites and it's just silly.
I need a break. I need to trust that when the time is right we will be able to find what we need. I need to remind myself that the time is not now. I need to not let stress rule me and cause me to panic and look for a new home. I need to be content with where we are for this time. I need to not have my entire future planned out. I need to be more flexible.
I don't know that simply stopping looking for the perfect house will help with all those areas, but I know that it will help with some and I know that it will be a challenge for me.
So, I embark (a week late) on my Lenten journey. May God bring me to the place he wants me to be.

Naive

2009-02-24T15:05:00.000-08:00

I have come to realize that I am too emotional about my students. When they get in trouble I feel so bad for them, even if they deserve it. I hate it when bad things happen to them and I get so upset. I have 4 students suspended right now - one for fighting, one for ditching, one for stealing, and I'm not sure about the other one - but as I find out about each one I get sad. In my head they are perfect little teenagers and even though they can seriously drive me insane at times I don't want to believe they could do anything that wrong. Does this make a good teacher or a bad teacher? Hmmmm....

Convergence 2

2009-02-22T20:14:00.001-08:00

I don't think I can really explain all that I processed this weekend at Convergence. To some degree I feel like this was the first time I have really processed through some of the aspects of our move to Portland from California. It was refreshing, inspiring, motivating, relaxing, and tiring. It was exactly what I needed.
So often ladies retreats are about being taught what a Christian women is, what a Christian female leader should be, or a Christian wife or mother or whatever context you may be discussing. This weekend was simply about being where we are NOW and being encouraged and inspired in that. It wasn't about feeling like we are falling short in some area or about being given a model of what we should be. This weekend was a chance to be real and raw and transparent with a group that was welcoming, accepting, and loving. We shared our stories - the good, the bad, and sometimes the very ugly. We cried, we laughed, we created, and we connected.
There was no keynote speakers or experts - it was 95 women learning from each other and all were equal and had something to bring to the discussion. It was so nice for me to see that a "womens retreat" could be done differently - that church can be done differently.

Convergence 1

2009-02-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

I am spending this weekend at a retreat/conference type thing for women. This is the kind of thing I usually resist being a part of as it means putting myself out there for others - I love to listen and be a part of things in that regard, but sharing myself is another story. Yet, I was pushed to attend this weekend. Part of the reason I wanted to go is that a couple other ladies from my community were going and I wanted to spend more time with them. In the end the others that I knew did not end up coming and I was left attending with 4 people I don't know and just met. A part of me really wanted to back out - it was too much putting myself out there and I'm just not that bold. Luckily, I have an incredible husband who encouraged me to still come and I am here. If nothing else, that alone is a big step for me. I have been able to hear the stories of other ladies and be encouraged by their lives.
This morning we sang a song that I really enjoyed the lyrics to and wanted to share them on here for anyone who reads this to think about:

This broken heart of mine has been mended a thousand times
This broken heart of mine has been mended a trillion times
Something like hope is coming
Something like peace is coming
Something like joy is coming

Can I let it? Can I let it? Can I let it?

I am clean
I am new
I am changing
I am changing

Can I let it? Can I let it? Can I let it?

Say Cheese

2009-02-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

These two people make me smile more than anyone else.

They Know...

2009-02-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting to tell my students that I am pregnant - not because I didn't want them to know, but I was hoping that they would ask. I was curious to see who would be the brave student who would venture to ask why I was getting fat.
Wednesday last week during my first period class I overheard two students who sit in the front talking. This is their conversation:
Student 1: "Ask her"
Student 2: "No way, that is so awkward."
S1: "It's Mrs. Krill - it isn't awkward." (not sure what that really means) "Just ask"
S2: "No"
S1: "Can I ask for you?"
S2: "No, it's embarrassing."
Finally, I interrupted and tried to speed along the process. I told student 2 to ask me whatever it was she wanted to ask (of course knowing what it was she wanted to ask). She got all red and tried to blow me off. I proceeded to tell her that I would not be offended, upset, or embarrassed. She just couldn't bring herself to do it so student 1 finally asked (side note - student 1 is a student whom I am fairly close to and feels she has the right to tell me anything and everything about her life or what she thinks about others or me).
My answer: "Yes, I am."

The class then proceeded to erupt as news quickly spread through the room. No joke, my students were running around the class freaking out. One boy even asked if he could go tell the other classes (we teach on teams so for the most part we knew the whereabouts of the other students I teach).
As each class came in that day they were all asking me if it was true. During my second as I was getting them started on their journal entry one boy raised his hand and asked, "Can we talk about the baby first." It was so cute to see how excited they were. Junior highers seriously make me happy.
Thursday and Friday last week were parent conferences and probably 95% of the parents who came in told me that their kid had come home and told them my good news. I was shocked that they were even talking about it outside of school.
If I ever doubted it before this just reminded me that I am so incredibly blessed to be teaching a great group of kids - I mean really they are pretty incredible. For as often as they drive me crazy they make me laugh a whole lot more.

My words

2009-01-31T21:41:00.000-08:00

My friend Jamie found this site called wordle.net and what you do is put in text from something and they create a picture using those words. The words that are bigger are the words that you use the most. So, she put in text from my blog and the picture above is what was created. I found it very entertaining to look at - thanks Jamie.

Insane Friday

2009-01-30T13:05:00.001-08:00

Today I was incredibly thankful for my time spent in youth ministry - I understand the need to be flexible.
Today we had an odd schedule at school. In the morning we had an assembly to listen to speeches of students running for student council and in the afternoon we had a special activity day planned. The students earned this activity afternoon which should have happened before winter break, but because of the snow it happened today. Our schedule was crazy with 2 classes being an hour long and the other 4 being 20 minutes. I was prepared for a little bit of insanity.
To add to the mix someone pulled the fire alarm after first period. This was not a scheduled drill so we went into serious mode. We waited outside in the cold while the fire department was called. Luckily the fire department responded quickly and we were cleared to go back in after about 25 minutes.
At this point students were so wired up knowing that now there classes would be even shorter than 20 minutes. Kids are dancing down the halls, whistling and yelling. It was quite a sight to see.

Luckily I was able to laugh through it all. A day in the life of a junior high teacher!

One year ago

2009-01-25T15:38:00.001-08:00

One year ago on this weekend out of jealousy I said something very offensive to another person and when all was said it done it basically ended up ruining two budding friendships and causing one existing friendship to fall apart. It is something I am not proud of it. Part of the reason this still bothers me one year later is because I was never forgiven for what I said. The existing friendship that fell apart should not have ended that way and in truth it is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever been a part of.
This morning at church for a brief moment our pastor talked about forgiveness and all of this stuff from last year really hit me. I think I have been so bothered by the fact that I was not forgiven by this other person that I did not allow myself to forgive me. And to some degree I think that has held me back in other friendships. I am nervous that I might say the wrong thing or that some seemingly simple thing I do will be taken completely wrong and again friendships will fall. I can't think that way anymore. I must move forward with the confidence that I am forgiven and that yes I make mistakes, but I am not a malicious person - that just isn't me. By not allowing myself to forgive me I have been living thinking I am like that - malicious - and I'm not. I am forgiven and loved and allowed more chances. I can't be so concerned about what could have been (or what I feel strongly should have been) when it's done and when I did all I could to ask for forgiveness. I need to accept that God forgave me and doesn't think I am a terrible person and I need to forgive me too.

Emotional Rollercoaster

2009-01-17T22:18:00.001-08:00

I tend to be a pretty emotional person. I cry at every wedding I go, sometimes even at silly television shows, lately every time I hear Obama speak...it really is kind of pathetic, and yet...this is who I am.
You can imagine all the emotions I felt when I initially found out I was pregnant. So much excitement and yet also a sense of fear - the life of a baby inside of me is very fragile business. My emotions have continued to run all around.
Two days after I found out I was pregnant I went to the Emergency Room because I thought I was having a miscarriage. I had somewhat resolved within myself that if indeed a miscarriage is what had happened it was okay - it wasn't the right time. When I saw the baby moving with the little heart beating on the ultrasound I nearly jumped off the bed - everything was ok.
One week after we found out I got devastating news from a very dear friend that she had just had her second miscarriage in a row. I felt so much confusion. How is this fair? To be totally honest there was a part of me that almost wished I would miscarry too so I could be there with her. Of course I didn't wish my child would not make it, but I wished there was something I could do to be more empathetic. The pain I felt for her was so intense that I just cried and asked why. I have this very odd feeling in my celebration these days because I want to be celebrating with my friend instead of mourning. I don't understand why these things happen. I don't know the right words to say and because I live in a different state I cannot be there with her. How do I celebrate when those around me are hurting? It just feels odd.

Meet Baby

2009-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true...we are having another baby. The baby is due mid August.
We are very excited and looking forward to the sick phase being done. Amalea knows there is a baby in mommy's belly and gives the baby hugs and kisses all the time (she really has no idea, but is a great listener).

Life

2009-01-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight Amalea had a fever so she was walking around without pants on trying to cool off. Jim and I were sitting on the floor next to each other and his head was on my shoulder. Amalea managed to move her way on into the middle of us and lay down with her us. It was one of those moments when you close your eyes and thank God for your life. Jim said, "Life is Good" and I couldn't agree more.
Many people around me have been dealing with death of family and friends in the past week along with some serious health things: the loss of an unborn child, the loss of a father, a daughter, a friend, another father, brain cancer, trips to the Emergency Room. It is so overwhelming.
In the midst of this I welcome the simple reminder from my daughter that "Life is Good" and am reminded by those around me to cherish each moment. Life happens so fast.

Marriage

2009-01-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Today I spent the morning in the Emergency Room (but I am ok). In the end I was told that I needed to rest and stay off my feet for a few days. To me that request seemed impossible. I go back to work in two days, we have literally about 6 loads of laundry still to do from our vacation, the Christmas decorations need to come down, the drain in our bathtub is clogged because I cut my hair in there, and I have an adorable daughter that needs to be played with. Yeah right, stay off my feet. And yet, I have not got off the couch all day...because...my husband is incredible. He made me soup and then a burrito, refilled my water cup many times, made me take my vitamin (though I complained the whole time), kept Amalea from treating me like a jungle gym, unclogged the drain, and did the laundry. He is now at Trader Joe's with Amalea getting some groceries. Amazing, truly amazing.

Chrissy

2008-12-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

In August of 2006 I had the great privilege of traveling to Kenya to work at a home for children affected by HIV/AIDS. Basically I played with babies and toddlers (under the age of 2) all day. I was in heaven during my time in Kenya. Everything about that place struck me, but nothing more than the beautiful children I met. One particular little girl really stole my heart - Chrissy. Everyday I laughed with her and held her, I fed her and gave her medicine, and in the end she left an everlasting impression on me.
When I was in Kenya she was about a year and a half old and she was HIV positive. On my last night in Kenya I was working with the infants (downstairs at the home) and noticed that the crawlers (Chrissy's group) were all being brought down to the nurses station for their medicine. Chrissy didn't come. I excused myself and raced up to see what was going on. The woman working, Eunice, told me she was waiting for me to take Chrissy since it was my last night. I had a bond with this kid.
Last week I got an email from a friend of mine who is working at this home in Kenya. It was an updated photo of Chrissy. She no longer lives at this home, but now is part of a home on a tea reservation that was started for kids who have not been adopted (the mission of the home I worked at where Chrissy was is that the kids are adopted prior to turning 2). Chrissy was not adopted.

My prayer for Chrissy is that she is happy and the picture above, a recent photo, shows me that she is. She touched my life forever and I will never forget her. If I have the chance to see her again you better believe I will. I hope I can even tell her someday, when she is older, how much of an impact she made on me.

To be honest Amalea reminds me a lot of Chrissy. They both are incredibly active - crawled early and walked early. They both love to laugh and have incredibly charismatic personalities. You can't help but smile when you are around them. They play hard and cuddle gently. Some may say this is how all children are, but a part of me believes that I was given a child so much like Chrissy as a gentle reminder to never forget the children who don't have a mommy and daddy to love on them like Amalea does.

3 week break

2008-12-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

My winter break from work went from two weeks to three as school was closed everyday last week. In my opinion they could have had school open at least 3 of the 5 days because the weather wasn't as bad as the reports said, but I definitely enjoyed the extra time. Since I hadn't planned for it I didn't have any of my stuff with me and couldn't really plan. I am not sure what I will do when we go back after break now, but I can wing something for a week while I get my materials from my class.
The only bummer in all of this is that we only have 3 days built into our school year for closures. What that means is that 3 days don't have to be made up, but anything beyond that will have to be made up. So, instead of getting out June 11 I will now get out later for summer. Jim and I had planned to fly out in the morning on June 11 to attend high school graduation in California as Jim has a lot of former youth group students graduating so now it may just be him going and Ami and I meeting him later. We aren't really going to think about that just yet, but that is the one bummer.
The good thing is that I have loved having the extra time with Amalea and Jim. Both Jim and I had the whole week off since the classes he teaches were canceled too. We had a great week together relaxing as a family.
Today the next storm started and this one is supposed to be much worse. Roads are closed and even the airport is closed. Hopefully it will be open by Christmas because we fly out Thursday morning - the weather looks like by then it will be clearing up. Church is canceled tomorrow too so we will continue to play and have fun indoors.
I really do love snow!!

Returns

2008-12-16T21:58:00.001-08:00

I have a serious problem making up my mind about things. I return things I buy all the time. I bring home new clothes and try them on again once I am home and decide I don't like them so I take them back. I spend forever deciding on a pair of shoes and finally get some, bring them home, walk around a little, and then take them back. It really is quite frustrating that I can never just make a decision and stick with it.
It is really annoying when it is something bigger than a pair of jeans or shoes. For example, I made a decision to get a different car than the one we had. Now I wish I could return it, but of course that just doesn't happen.

Part of me knows I am just complaining and I have a problem in that I am always just a little dissatisfied with things. Maybe my real issue is that I need to be more content with what I have instead of always dreaming of something different.

Snow

2008-12-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

Another reason I love Portland...Sunday morning it snowed!

I was making breakfast while Jim was sleeping in a little to recover from a crazy week he had teaching. The forecasts had said snow, but when I woke up I checked - nothing yet. As I was cooking I saw out of this out of the corner of my eye...This is looking out our back window. I grabbed Ami, ran upstairs, flung open the blinds, woke Jim up, and starting jumping up and down...yes, I love snow!

After we had a little something to eat we got all bundled up and headed outside to play in the snow. Amalea had so much fun playing and started to cry when we told her it was time to go back inside.The fun didn't stop inside though. We went out on Monday with our neighbors and ran a few errands together. While out we picked up a sled for the snow and Ami tested it out. Jim pulled her all around the house and she loved it.It's Tuesday now and I had another snow day. So, yesterday and today I didn't have to work. The weather calls for the temperatures to drop again tonight and maybe more snow Wednesday night. We'll see what happens. To be honest it was silly to me that the schools were closed today because the roads aren't too bad, but it seems like in Portland when it snows things shut down because people are so excited, which is fine by me.

P.S. Sorry, I don't know how to make those underlines go away. Lo siento

Questions

2008-12-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

You know an interesting conversation is coming when it starts like this...
"I have a kind of weird question to ask you"...

Today I was asked by a friend from work if I would be willing to come to her church sometime and basically critique it. Let me explain because I know that sounds weird. Basically the church she attends wants to know what a new person who didn't know anyone would experience when they walked into a service there. Would they be able to find the bathroom or the kids room? Would they be confused during the service about when or how things happen? I think it is actually kind of cool that they are looking at this. So, I plan to take my family and see what it is like.

Another question that started with the same statement...I was asked to help coordinate a wedding of a girl I work with. This actually happened back in October, but I never blogged about it. This girl whom I had never really talked to (besides introductions the first day) came in to my class one morning and asked for my help with her wedding. Apparently when I met her she said she had just gotten engaged and I replied by saying how much I loved weddings and how I had recently helped coordinate a few. So, I am helping with her wedding in March.

So, next time someone starts a conversation by saying "I have a kind of weird question to ask you", be curious because it could be anything.

Rest

2008-12-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a long few nights in our house. Amalea has had at least one (but we believe more) new tooth coming in. She hasn't slept well which of course means we have not slept well. Jim and I try to trade off, but even if you aren't the one physically getting up with her you still wake up. I have gone to work with tired eyes all week and haven't been able to take my glasses off.
Tonight I gave her Tylenol before bed and we got Orajel for her teeth also. We'll see if those help. She is also starting to sleep with a night light. I admit my fingers and toes are all crossed tonight - we all need to get some rest.
The great thing is that tomorrow Jim and I are headed away for a night. This will be our first night with just the two of us since Amalea was born. The only other time we left her for the night was when we took 13 junior high students to Mexico - definitely not a "romantic" getaway. So...I am thrilled for this weekend. We'll be on the coast staying at a really cute little bed and breakfast we went to in June 2007. We plan to sleep, eat, sleep, maybe take a walk, sleep, eat, catch a movie, and sleep :-) Should be wonderful.

Also, for those of you concerned about our lack of time alone (Carolyn) we have found a few different people that have offered to babysit to give us a night out. We plan to take those people up on the offer soon.

Happy weekend to everyone and may we all find rest.

Newest member of the family

2008-12-03T17:57:00.000-08:00

Today my niece, Adrienne Christina, was born. She weighed in at 7 pounds 13 ounces and was 20 inches long. She arrived a week and a half past her due date and was born in Mexico to Jim's brother John (pictured) and his wife Becca. This is their first child and we are so thrilled for them to finally have her here. We don't know when we will have the chance to meet her (or Allison - see previous post - she was born Oct.31) but it would be great to see the entire family come together sometime next summer.
Two babies in 5 weeks - so fun. I wonder who will be next :-)

Gas prices

2008-11-29T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am thankful that gas prices are lower...and yet I am also bitter. I am bitter about the fact that we moved in August at the height of gas prices. Our move consisted of renting a gigantic uhaul that took a lot of gas and driving one of our vehicles over 1000 miles. How is it that gas is literally half as much now as it was when we moved. Oh the pain of the money spent to get us to Portland.

Friends

2008-11-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

It has been so interesting for me moving to a new town and trying to make friends again. When I first moved to Thousand Oaks I really struggled to make friends - it doesn't help that I am quiet around people I don't know (though I do tend to lean on that too much at times) and can be really introverted. I did a lot of things wrong in making friends in Thousand Oaks and I see that now. I judged people too quickly, I didn't put myself out there enough, I didn't think I really needed friends all that badly - and in the end I was left feeling very alone without any good girlfriends. I had a lot of acquaintances, but not many people I knew I could share ALL of myself with (the good along with the bad).
In the end I made one really close friend, but honestly that didn't happen until after I had lived there for about 3 years. It was really hard to leave my closest friend in Thousand Oaks because she taught me so much about how I truly did and do need friends that live in close proximity and how important it is to have girlfriends I can share ALL of me with (as sad as it is I have come to realize that even with some of my closest friends I do not share all of myself).
So, here I am now in a new town again and attempting to make friends. My approach is much different this time. To begin with I know I NEED to make girlfriends and I am not too proud to say that. Also, I am being totally me from the beginning and sharing the good and the bad right from the start. I am being real, being transparent, being vulnerable, being myself - and not trying to impress others. I am not judging people, but instead I am being positive and giving people more credit than I have in the past (just being honest with how bad of a person I can be).
I don't know what friendships will develop here in Portland, but I do know that in the short time I have been here I have already gotten to know some really amazing ladies and they are people I truly hope become close friends. I am thankful that I have learned from my many mistakes in Thousand Oaks and that I am making friends here.

Routine

2008-11-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

I have come to realize (and more importantly accept) that I am creature of habit. I think I have always wanted to be characterized as an "easy going" person who can just "roll with the punches", however I see now that those phrases do not describe me. I like routine, I crave a schedule, I need structure...it keeps me sane.
Now that we have begun to settle into life here in Portland we have developed a little routine with my work, Jim's work, and life with Ami. I love this. I love that I know when I go to work, when Jim goes to work, when and where I pick Amalea up and what to expect after I pick her up. I feel prepared and ready for the days because to some degree I know what to expect and this keeps me calm.
Now, I say all this and at the same time I do hope I can be more flexible and spontaneous, even in the every day happenings.

Meet Allison

2008-11-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

Baby season continues... Meet Allison Berlyn Garvin - the newest addition to our family. Allison was born to Jim's sister on Halloween in New York and joins her younger brother Rory. We don't know when we'll be able to meet her, but we are happy she is here and healthy.

Fall

2008-11-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I love Portland so much is that Fall actually exists here. Unlike Southern California that sees little change as one season passes to another, Portland trees transform the landscape and light up the skyline with intense and beautiful colors. It is awesome.

The one I love

2008-10-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

I think my husband is one of the most insightful people I know. He makes me think about tough things and he also makes me laugh so hard. He is the perfect balance of goofy and serious. We have been married almost 4 years and it has been one incredible adventure. Much has happened in those 4 years - we welcomed a child, we traveled and served in other countries, we invested in the lives of youth in Thousand Oaks, and of course we made a huge move recently. Jim recently posted on his blog about our move and I love his words. Many people have asked why we moved and for whatever reason that is a hard question for me to answer, but I think Jim does a great job explaining it from his perspective. So check out his blog and see what he has to say.

CA prop 8

2008-10-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

I received an email last night from one of my closest friends from high school and I wanted to share it here (I got her permission of course). The text below was actually written by her mother and I love her words - I think they touch so beautifully on what many of us feel regarding homosexuality. She is honest, real, raw, and personal - and I love it.

"As a parent the two most important things I want for my kids are for them to be happy and healthy. So when my daughter came to me and said she was the happiest she has ever been, that she has found someone she loved, then of course I was happy and excited for her. The only thing was, the love of her life was another woman. So I reacted like most other mothers would and I cried. This is not how I pictured her. The thoughts that ran through my mind were endless. I feared for her. I knew she would encounter many obstacles, that people who did not know her and know all her qualities would make unfavorable judgment of her, that her life would be so foreign and different from mine. It wasn't until I understood the depth of her unhappiness and her personal struggle to come to grips with her sexuality that I realized that she was hurting. She hid it well and sometimes even hid it from herself until she met someone who made her feel loved.

I tell you this because California has a proposition on the ballot that will affect not only her but other gay people who like her are extraordinary people who want the same rights and lives as married people. They have the same dreams as the rest of us have and they deserve the same joys and love that married people share. It is time that we open arms to everyone and dismiss our fears and treat people equally. I encourage you to vote No on Prop 8 so that all people have that chance of a happy and complete life with the one they love."

My new do

2008-10-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

It's funny how there are so many little things that go into making a move to a new city. Things such as finding a new doctor, dentist, hair stylist, etc. This week Jim and I both got our hair cut by a girl that we met at our community. We both walked away very happy with our new cuts. I decided to cut most of my hair off in the back because I wanted it to be easy and not take too much time. It ended up a lot shorter than what I had imagined in my head, however I love it. I guess that is why I am not the hair stylist and Joelle is. I don't look like a boy which was my fear after my last two times cutting it short (6th grade and 12th grade). She left it long in the front which helps keep the girl image going. Anyway, here are a few pics of my short hair and you can also see that Ami's hair is getting long. She has great curls which will be fun learning to tame since neither Jim nor I have curls.

27

2008-10-21T21:42:00.001-07:00

Here is a picture of my wonderful birthday cake. My amazing husband and wonderful friend created this masterpiece. I was not allowed in the kitchen while they worked away and then when it was all finished we dove into the cake. It was my favorite - confetti cake with confetti frosting!
My birthday was extra special this year because I had an unexpected visitor. Jim and my dear friend from SoCal, Andy, planned for her to surprise me. Last Thursday Andy flew up to Portland (after being told by her doctor not to fly - what a great friend) and I had no idea at all. Even as Jim was "craving Panda Express" (which is near the airport) and wanting to go shopping for a few things (also at a store next to the airport) I had no idea. When he suggested we walk around a little after eating and shopping "because it was such a nice evening" I thought nothing of it. Even when he suggested we drive through the airport since we were so close I honestly had no thought that maybe we were picking someone up. As Jim pulled to the curb and I saw Andy standing there it still took me a good 20 seconds for it all to register and for me to believe that she was actually there.
I had so much fun having one of my closest friends here for the weekend. She is a friend that life feels so natural with and I didn't feel the need to entertain - we just relaxed, saw Portland, and had great conversations together.
I am so thankful to Jim and Andy for making my birthday extra special. And thank you to the rest of you who sent text messages, facebook comments, called, sent cards, and thought about me. I truly am blessed and felt loved as I celebrated my last 3 years until the big 30!!

Crafting Days

2008-10-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

I finished a book this weekend and will start the Twilight series tomorrow. I am actually borrowing the book from one of my students since they all keep telling me I need to read it. It is the current most popular teen lit series so I figured I should be a good teacher and read it so that I can converse with them about it.
I am also finishing up making some cards to be mailed out this week.

I guess I am doing better at making time for those things. I haven't gotten out my sewing machine yet, but once Christmas gets closer I am sure I will. I'll be making some budget Christmas gives on my sewing machine this year (so get excited, but also very nervous).

It feels good to finish a book and to get lost in it while I was reading. It feels good to create cards for others to enjoy. I'm happy to say my crafting days are dusting off the cobwebs and beginning again after a much too long break.

The cutest boy

2008-10-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

I think Amalea is the cutest girl, but today I saw a picture of the cutest boy...Seth Webber.

Seth Edward Webber

2008-10-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

At 2:01 this afternoon my very dear friend, Sarah, gave birth to her son Seth. When I talked to her around 5:00 this afternoon she sounded incredible, like it was any other day. I am so proud of her. She didn't it completely natural. Seth weighed in at 7 pounds and was 19 3/4 inches long. I haven't yet seen pictures, but I am anxious to see the boy I know will be beautiful. Seth joins his twin sisters who Sarah and her husband Carey are in the process of adopted. They are a beautiful family and I am so excited to meet Seth one day. I'll post a picture when I get one. Welcome Seth - I love you already.

Missing

2008-10-04T21:35:00.001-07:00

There are three things I have really been missing in my life.
First, I miss scrapbooking and sewing. I was never great and either one of those things, but it was something I enjoyed doing. I didn't start sewing until I was pregnant (after giving it up in high school), but I really liked it. Both sewing and scrapbooking were times when I would focus on the project before me and put everything else aside. For Amalea's birthday she got an incredible home made gift that really made me miss sewing. I often have project ideas in my head, but they rarely ever get made.
The other thing I really miss is reading. Reading is one of my biggest hobbies and I haven't read anything since August. That is a really long time for me. The pile of books I intend to read is growing as is my list of books to get at the library, but I am currently reading nothing.
I feel like I need to make time for these things again. I find myself often overwhelmed with all that is going on in life. I know I need to have more balance and I am sure if I did I would be a better parent and a better wife. I hate that I get frustrated with those around me when they have done nothing to deserve it. I am stressed and therefore incredibly crabby to people who don't deserve to have to deal with me.
I miss taking out a project and working until that feeling of being overwhelmed disappeared. Sure, it often came back after I finished, but that hour was blissful. I miss getting totally lost in a book and staying up way too late because I can't make myself put the book down.
I guess I've complained enough. I suppose my problem is my own fault. I mean I could have been reading or crafting instead of writing this blog to complain about the absence of those things.

One year

2008-10-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that Amalea is already turning one. The time has gone by so quickly. I see the girl she is becoming and I can't help but laugh. The kid has a great sense of humor and already loves to make people laugh. We are headed to the Zoo in a little bit to celebrate and I'm excited to see her reaction to the animals. We went in April and she was pretty indifferent to the whole thing, but maybe this time she'll care that she is standing next to a lion!!

Tests

2008-09-22T21:00:00.001-07:00

This evening I got the worst news I have received since we got to Oregon. To many of you this won't seem like horrible news, but for those who know me you will understand that it is. I realized tonight that I have to take 3 tests in order to get an official teaching license in Oregon. I am currently teaching on a temporary license, but I have a year or a year and a half to take these tests. Two of the tests are for Language Arts and one is multiple subjects. I am a really bad test taker. I took the tests in CA multiple times in order to pass. It's been like 8 years since I took a history or math class. I can handle myself in Language Arts (kind of), but in all other subjects I hardly know anything. For whatever reason this news has brought me to tears as I not only feel inadequate, but incompetent, frustrated, and confused. How can finding out I have to take tests make me feel this way? It really is sad that I have such bad test anxiety. I guess it's time to study...good thing my husband is smart and can help me.

Words of wisdom from teenagers

2008-09-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of reasons why I love working with teenagers. Even though some days are incredibly challenging (refer to last post) I learn so many things from my students and for that I am so thankful. A student I have been spending a lot of time with recently asked me to read some of her thoughts and some of her friends thoughts and I was so inspired by the things they had to say. Thus, I share them with you:
"I don't think being a teen is about what they make it: relationships, defiance, alcohol, drug use, partying, attitude, change in sexual preference and waiting to move out.
Sure, it involves that, sometimes, but it's about finding a few more pieces to the puzzle.
Sure, you'll do stupid stuff, but for your own reasons.
That's what they don't understand, when you make a bad decision it is your decision.
For your own reason.
So, in turn it also means experiencing shit that at the moment is so many emotions you want to scream, and cry, and hit, and run, and yell.
But yet also laugh, and joke, and play.
Strange, isn't it?"

Here are words from one of her friends:
"We've been duct taped into silence for our whole lives. No matter how much we struggled against the oppressive nature of our parents, our opinions were never heard and never mattered. So now, when we're about to be pulled apart, we're ripping the duct tape off and saying what's on our minds. We're politically charged, musically endowed, and 14."

I love it!

Tears

2008-09-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

I cried because she cried
I cried for the unfair treatment she receives at home
I cried for the violence she has to view in her home
I cried because life isn't fair
I cried because I didn't know what to do or how to help
I cried because she is only 14
I cried because she told me her secret of 4 years
I cried for the love she has never felt
I cried for the hope she has in the midst of so much pain
I cried because she trusted me
I cried because I want it to stop
I cried because she still loves her mom even while she hates her
I cried for her and every other teenager in her position

Lunch

2008-09-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

Now that school is back in session I am at work and starting to get into my routines again. Last year I didn't stay on campus for lunch, however this year I do stay. Therefore, I have set a goal for myself to produce the least amount of waste that I can when making my lunches. Tonight I made lunch for Friday and managed to not bring anything that will become trash. It's somewhat healthy too :-) but that's another goal to tackle later. Tomorrow I will have a turkey sandwich, a few slices of salami, mozzarella cheese chunks, a plum, and water AND I won't have to throw anything away.
I probably am way too proud of myself for this small feat and I am sure many other people have been doing this forever, but I'm getting there at my own pace :-) Now if only I could ride my bike to work (it's over a small mountain though so it's just not going to happen) or even our scooter (of course I should probably get my license first and stop being lazy). Oh...one thing at a time I suppose.

First year

2008-09-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

I feel like a first year teacher again. All of a sudden I am not teaching the curriculum I got so comfortable with. I have no idea where to take these students or even what to start with. I'm reading short stories like mad to find the best ones and then I have to create lessons. Sheesh. It really is overwhelming.
I am really liking middle school though and think it was a great decision to make the move from high school. It's a lot of work and I feel like I have so much to learn and so much to do. I am trying to stay sane and find time with my husband and daughter whenever I can...but it's hard. I have to learn the routines of a new school, try to meet people, create lessons for a whole new curriculum, learn the systems of a new state, and try to make it so my students actually like coming to class. I'm overwhelmed just writing about it!!

Why I don't get politics

2008-09-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

As strongly as I support one specific candidate in this next presidential election I am still frustrated. I really do dislike politics. I don't understand why we have political parties and why people choose a side and pledge their vote to that side no matter what. I don't understand why candidates can't just state their policies and views about real issues and leave irrelevant things out. I don't understand why candidates can't just say what they think rather than saying how they are right and the other side is wrong. Why the heck are we on sides anyway. I have a hard time believing that the founders of this country would be happy today if they say how politics are conducted and the fighting and lashing out and attacking of character that takes place. Every four years I cringe at this time. Up until this year I have never felt strongly in favor of a specific candidate (it's more like I have felt strongly against one) and even with how strong I feel I have a hard time getting involved in discussions and debates. I feel like they always turn ugly. People don't listen to the other side because they are so convinced that their side is right on every issue and that the other side is always wrong. And what really bothers me the most is when candidates say they are more religious than the other. As a religious person this really ticks me off. Who has any right to say their faith is better than another person's. We are not God so why are we so obsessed with judging others as if we were. Everyone says "God bless America" at the end of their speech. What!!!! If we are truly followers of Jesus we would ask that God bless every person in this world. Jesus didn't have allegiance to a nation or a flag...his allegiance was to God. Imagine that. A world in which people actually worked together and didn't divide into teams. Of course I understand that all people can't agree on every issue, but I still believe that people can exist without dividing constantly and fighting against one another. I will remain confident in the candidate I support because I do support his views on issues, but I will not buy into any of this ridiculous fighting and character attacking from the media. I will not buy into dividing into teams and I definitely will not buy into believing that one candidate has a better faith than the other.

Snapple and chocolate

2008-08-28T20:54:00.001-07:00

Today I did an embarrassing thing...I left the lights on in the van when I went to work this morning. Needless to say when I came out this afternoon the van wouldn't start. I called Jim and begged him to come help as I was beyond exhausted (I had worked later than usual and been in meetings ALL day) and just wanted to get out of there. And Jim came and rescued me...but he didn't stop there. In the midst of leaving the house very quickly (since it was very obvious I was frazzled) he managed to get Amalea together (and all her needed gear) and to bring me an ice cold Snapple and chocolate. It was exactly what I needed after a long day and he thought about me. Sometimes the simple things mean so much and today the Snapple and chocolate meant the world. I sure do love my husband.

Our leap

2008-08-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

When I stop for a moment and think about all that has changed in the last few weeks I am reminded just how big of a leap our family has taken. And yet at the same time I am reminded that some things will always stay constant no matter what major life changes take place...and that brings comfort. In the midst of this giant leap my friends have stood by me and given support, encouragement, and love. Some friends have traveled to say goodbye, others have helped us move in, some have shed tears of excitement and sorrow with us, they have called from other time zones to check in, my friends have been constant and proven that distance doesn't mean friendships have to be lost. In the mist of this giant leap my family has showed up to play and love on each of us. My mom (and a friend) spent the weekend with us and allowed Jim and I to have two evenings out in Portland which was necessary for us and we are so thankful for the time we had. In the midst of this giant leap God has remained faithful. I am always amazed at how God shows up and I wonder why I ever doubt. My goal on this new adventure in Portland is to find more time with God - I want to listen more, study more, ask more, discuss more, and find out more about the amazing God whom I have dedicated my life to.
So, while flying through mid-air I am comforted. Though everything around me has changed some things have not and for those things (friends, family, and God) I am forever thankful.

Leaving

2008-08-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

On our last Sunday before our move (we left Tuesday) Lindsay and Andy (pictured above) threw us the most incredible going away party. So many people showed up to say goodbye to us and they put together a unique, fun, personal, meaningful party for us. I felt so honored by the people who came to wish us well (including one friend about to go into labor at any moment). I don't know how we would have ever been able to say goodbye to everyone if this day hadn't happened. So, family and friends - thank you for coming. I don't know how to say thank you to these two amazing friends for all of their hard work because thank you just feels so insignificant - I am truly grateful for the love and friendship they both showed me and am honored to be friends with them.

We are now getting pretty settled into our new place. I haven't had a chance to upload pictures yet, but will post some soon. It still doesn't feel totally real to me that this is our home and this is the town we live in. We are learning our way around which has been fun and confusing. We had dinner tonight with the couple that lives next door and I have gotten to know a few people at my work that I could definitely see myself being friends with. It definitely helps to have friendly neighbors who invite us over - they are really great. At times I do feel sad about having left behind such wonderful friends, but thankfully many have already purchased tickets to come visit (if you haven't yet, you need to!).

Leaving comes with very mixed emotions. Saying goodbye to certain friends was emotional and it was hard to let go, but I remain confident that distance cannot break up friendships. I trust that this is the place where God has brought us and I am excited to see where the adventure takes us.

Together in Austin

2008-08-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

One friend is missing in this picture, but it's the best I have. I had some other great pictures from the weekend on my computer, but my hard drive decided to crash so I lost them all. This one was from my cell phone.
Austin was great (not the place, but being there with friends) and we had a great weekend together. Since I've been home it's been non-stop packing, but moving day is coming quick.

Relaxation

2008-08-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

I am currently in Austin, Texas with six of my girlfriends spending the weekend together catching up and hanging out. When I left to come to Austin my hope was that everything would be finalized with renting out our house and finding a home in Portland. Wednesday night we signed the lease for our house in Moorpark and Friday afternoon (after I got here) we found out that we got the townhouse we wanted in Portland. Relaxation - finally! I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. We leave in 11 days and it is great to know that those things are finally taken care of. I feel like I can enjoy my weekend here in Austin now because I am not worrying anymore about the logistics of moving. Thank God!

The process

2008-07-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

The process of renting a home from a distance is incredibly challenging. As we attempt to find a place to call home in Portland while living in Southern California we keep running in to some pretty large walls. We found a place we really liked and applied via fax and mail, but we were not picked. As I called places today a number of them keep telling me that they will not rent to us unless we, or someone we know, walks through the property. Well, we don't know anyone in the area that can run around town walking through houses for us so we are a bit stuck.
I guess I didn't think the whole process would be this challenging. I know we could make just about any place work, but if we aren't even allowed to apply it makes it hard.
We leave in two weeks and it would be really nice to have a place to live when we got to Portland. I am trying to remain hopeful, but honestly it's discouraging at this point.

I love baby fever

2008-07-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Babies are in the air...and I love it. This week I got news from a dear friend that she is pregnant. When she told me I cried and got so excited. I get to add her to my list which includes two other very dear friends in Santa Cruz. Not to mention two sister-in-laws who are also expecting. The current total is at 5, but I don't doubt that it may grow in the future. (and no that is not a hint that we are planning anything soon :-)

Nap time

2008-07-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have realized that napping shouldn't just be for babies so I have decided to try and join Amalea whenever I can.

Time

2008-07-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

So often I say I wish that the days had more hours so I could get more done. However, lately I have been wishing for less hours. I want the move to Portland to come quickly (and to happen smoothly of course) so all the time between now and when we move feels so long. Of course we do have a lot of people to spend time with, packing to do, and parties to attend so I guess we will fill the time easily...but I just get so excited when I think about it and I want moving day to be here!

Life of an introvert

2008-07-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

This week I came face-to-face with one of my faults. You see, I am an introvert, and though that in itself is not exactly a fault, it can be. Since I am an introvert I tend to not be very outgoing until I really know people. Rather I am shy and a bit reserved until I am comfortable. This also means that I don't really approach others and I definitely rarely initiate conversations. The reason this can be a fault is that on several occasions others have decided that I am mean or cold or even a "bitch". They have come to this conclusion because I keep to myself and though I smile and say hello or wave at times that is as fas as I go and therefore it is decided that I am not a very nice person.
This is something I want to change. Not the fact that I am an introvert, but the fact that I am not outgoing upon initially meeting new people (of course there are always exceptions and at times I can be my totally zany self from the start). When we move to Portland my goal is to push myself to talk to strangers more and to really put myself out there when I meet new people.
It makes me so sad that people around me think I don't like them or that I am mean and I want my true heart to show - the heart that loves and accepts all people.

We made it

2008-06-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Amalea and I are back home from our crazy week of travels. We are now awaiting Jim's return on the 1st - we miss him a lot and can't wait to see him. Amalea is super close to walking, but I think she is just waiting for her daddy to get home so she can do it for him. The picture above is me and Amalea in Santa Cruz, where I grew up. It definitely wasn't really a beach day, but I was loving the weather!

Traveling week

2008-06-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

The next few days Amalea and I will be on the go as we keep busy while Jim is in Peru. Sunday, we will be driving out to Brea to see Jamie (visiting from her new home in Texas), Lena, and Erin. Monday we'll drive to Santa Cruz to see my parents. Wednesday we fly to Portland (thankfully my mom is coming too) and then Thursday we fly back from Portland to Santa Cruz. Saturday we drive back to Moorpark from Santa Cruz. It will be a busy week of traveling, but we will get to see lot of very special people and that makes it totally worth it.

Why life is so good...

2008-06-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Here we come...

2008-06-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

Things are falling in to place for our family to make the move to Portland in mid August. I was offered 2 teaching positions and ended up choosing the one I felt was the best fit for us. I will be teaching 8th grade Language Arts in North Clackamas. We hope to live in the Southeast end of Portland. I was totally amazed that I went from having no serious job prospects and was thinking that maybe I wouldn't teach when we moved to having 2 job offers. I'm really looking forward to teaching junior high (the school I am at is still a junior high, but will split into two middle schools in 2009). The school was awesome and they are doing some really forward thinking things so I am excited to be a part of that.
I will be flying up to Portland the end of this month with my mom and Amalea to sign my contract and do some house hunting. Jim will be in Peru with some of his students so we are going to try our best to find a home we like.
More and more I feel so confirmed in this decision to move and I can honestly say that even though I am a little scared I am excited more than anything else. So, Portland Oregon...here we come...

Portland

2008-05-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

I got home late last night from a 2 day whirlwind trip to Portland. I had 3 job interviews, drove all over, found some sweet eateries and shops, got to hang with a great friend, and most of all fell even more in love with Portland. I'm really excited for our move this summer. Hopefully one of the jobs will work out and all the necessary pieces will fall in to place and we'll be making our move in August.

House

2008-05-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

As I was walking through our house tonight after putting Amalea to bed I couldn't help but think about how much I do love this house. I will miss this house. It has been the perfect first home for us - not too big and not too small. In all honesty we have talked already about the things we would want different in our next house and how it would be nice to have this or that new thing in the next place, but in the end I really do think this place is great. We aren't selling it yet so we may end up here again, but I really feel like when we leave in August it will be for good. We'll sell it eventually, but it will always be our first home and the home in which Amalea came to when she was first born. Those are things I will never forget.

Simplicity

2008-05-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jim and I looked at getting a new car and selling our truck. Well, the car we looked at really isn't new - it is actually 10 years older than the truck we have. When we were talking about doing this last night Jim made a comment about wanting to simplify our lives. I loved that he said this because it made me realize that sometimes we love the things we have so much and getting rid of them can be hard, but that there is value is simplicity. He made the comment with excitement in his voice even though it meant selling a truck that he loves. I love Jim so much and his desire to live more simply makes me smile.

Moving

2008-05-08T13:40:00.001-07:00

I feel so many emotions all at once about our upcoming move. Now that it is public knowledge it feels a lot more real which heightens everything I feel. I feel excited about the new adventure, I feel ready for change, I feel nervous about meeting people, I feel anxious about finding jobs, I feel scared that we won't like it, and overall I feel like it is the right thing for us. However, even trusting it is the right thing doesn't mean that all the other emotions are eliminated.
From the moment we began seriously talking about moving it has been a lot of up and down emotions for me. Some days I cannot wait to get out of here and other days I feel sad to be leaving wonderful people and a good job. I guess the biggest thing that makes me nervous is that neither Jim nor I have found jobs yet. To be honest that has been discouraging for me - I have applied to a lot of teaching jobs and have not gotten any calls or interviews. I know I am a good teacher and not getting interviews makes me feel like maybe I am not. In this area I am trying my hardest to stay positive.
Lately, my prayer has been for Jim to find a job that pays enough so that I don't have to work. Then I could tutor or do something small on the side until the kids are in school and then I can go back to teaching. We don't know what is in store for us, but we know that it is an adventure that we are excited to embark on come August.