My blog address has changed:
http://www.moseycreations.com/robinkrill/blog/
The focus of my blog has also changed and it will now be primarily about wedding coordinating, however there will also be personal tidbits every now and then.
Also, don't forget that we do have a family blog as well where we share stories and photos of our adventures as a family of four living in Portland, OR.
http://www.pdxkrills.com/
Monday, April 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
My favorites
There are three things I could talk about non-stop...in no particular order they are:
1. Weddings
2. Parenting
3. Education
1. Weddings - ever since I got married I have loved weddings. This is why I started my own business as a wedding coordinator - I could talk about weddings for hours. Dresses, cakes, flowers, lighting, decor, music, attire...every detail about weddings is so exciting to me. I probably love all the details because I am such an organized person - I mean freakishly organized. Being a part of someone's wedding is the greatest feeling. Everyone is so excited and it is such a joyful day, but beyond the joy I really do love putting it all together. I love setting up the reception and seeing the bride after she walks in and knowing by the look on her face that she loves it. I love watching the happy couple enjoy their day and not stress. I could go on and on, but really everything about weddings makes me smile.
2. Parenting - I never knew how much goes into parenting before I had kids. I could talk about toddlers and tantrums, potty training, nursing, bottles, diapers, hugs, kisses, the silly things kids say...the list goes on and on. I enjoy sitting down with other moms and learning from them and sharing my own experiences and the give and take that is parenting. It's not that I was naive enough to believe parenting would be easy, but I had no idea how complex and multi-faceted it would be. What I love the most is that not only do I have two beautiful girls to parent, but a husband who is an amazing father to our girls and who I learn so much from.
3. Education - Even though teaching is an incredibly stressful profession it is one that I love. Even though there is so much political bull that goes along with teaching I love it. I cannot even explain the joy I get in seeing students grasp a concept for the first time. I love teaching writing and reading and sharing my love of literature with students. I also just really love working with teenagers. It is such an awkward and confusing time of life, but there is something about teenagers that draws me in. I think teenagers have so much to offer this world and I learn incredible things from them. Just today a student I taught in an online class called me a hero - I have never even met this kid...I am so touched.
1. Weddings
2. Parenting
3. Education
1. Weddings - ever since I got married I have loved weddings. This is why I started my own business as a wedding coordinator - I could talk about weddings for hours. Dresses, cakes, flowers, lighting, decor, music, attire...every detail about weddings is so exciting to me. I probably love all the details because I am such an organized person - I mean freakishly organized. Being a part of someone's wedding is the greatest feeling. Everyone is so excited and it is such a joyful day, but beyond the joy I really do love putting it all together. I love setting up the reception and seeing the bride after she walks in and knowing by the look on her face that she loves it. I love watching the happy couple enjoy their day and not stress. I could go on and on, but really everything about weddings makes me smile.
2. Parenting - I never knew how much goes into parenting before I had kids. I could talk about toddlers and tantrums, potty training, nursing, bottles, diapers, hugs, kisses, the silly things kids say...the list goes on and on. I enjoy sitting down with other moms and learning from them and sharing my own experiences and the give and take that is parenting. It's not that I was naive enough to believe parenting would be easy, but I had no idea how complex and multi-faceted it would be. What I love the most is that not only do I have two beautiful girls to parent, but a husband who is an amazing father to our girls and who I learn so much from.
3. Education - Even though teaching is an incredibly stressful profession it is one that I love. Even though there is so much political bull that goes along with teaching I love it. I cannot even explain the joy I get in seeing students grasp a concept for the first time. I love teaching writing and reading and sharing my love of literature with students. I also just really love working with teenagers. It is such an awkward and confusing time of life, but there is something about teenagers that draws me in. I think teenagers have so much to offer this world and I learn incredible things from them. Just today a student I taught in an online class called me a hero - I have never even met this kid...I am so touched.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Memory Flood
Today we took Amalea to see a specialist for her eye and he confirmed what I most feared...she has pretty much no vision in her left and eye and there is nothing that can be done to correct it. Glasses or a contact will not help at this point because it is a problem with her nerve connecting - it doesn't connect. She sees light and dark, but that is about it.
My beautiful, spunky, joyful little girl cannot see out of one eye. This breaks my heart. Amalea is a strong kid and I know all that she has been through in her two short years has made her even stronger.
The doctor does want her to wear glasses for protection. If something were to happen to her right eye (the "good" one) she could lose all vision. So, now we take on the task of getting her to wear glasses all the time - for the rest of her life. Contacts will never be an option, laser surgery will never be an option. Her glasses are to protect her eye, not to treat a vision problem.
As I sat at the doctors today I had so many memories playing through my mind of the over two years of dealing with this.
I remember taking her in for her two week appointment and the doctor noticing the problem.
I remember being told we needed to do a brain scan because it was possible she had a brain tumor.
I remember countless times of holding my screaming baby down with force so she could be examined.
I remember not being able to feed her as she cried out in hunger before her surgery at just 6 weeks of age, having to deny her the very thing she needed most.
I remember seeing her after surgery, all bandaged and swollen and yellow.
I remember fighting with her to wear a patch until she would give up and fall asleep.
I remember getting her glasses not too long ago because we thought they might help her see better.
This journey has already been long, but it is far from over. Amalea will wear glasses and she has a lazy eye. It is a cruel world out there - I work with kids, I know how mean they can be - and I will send my baby girl out into it looking "different" from everyone else. As a mom, this is an incredibly scary feeling.
My beautiful, spunky, joyful little girl cannot see out of one eye. This breaks my heart. Amalea is a strong kid and I know all that she has been through in her two short years has made her even stronger.
The doctor does want her to wear glasses for protection. If something were to happen to her right eye (the "good" one) she could lose all vision. So, now we take on the task of getting her to wear glasses all the time - for the rest of her life. Contacts will never be an option, laser surgery will never be an option. Her glasses are to protect her eye, not to treat a vision problem.
As I sat at the doctors today I had so many memories playing through my mind of the over two years of dealing with this.
I remember taking her in for her two week appointment and the doctor noticing the problem.
I remember being told we needed to do a brain scan because it was possible she had a brain tumor.
I remember countless times of holding my screaming baby down with force so she could be examined.
I remember not being able to feed her as she cried out in hunger before her surgery at just 6 weeks of age, having to deny her the very thing she needed most.
I remember seeing her after surgery, all bandaged and swollen and yellow.
I remember fighting with her to wear a patch until she would give up and fall asleep.
I remember getting her glasses not too long ago because we thought they might help her see better.
This journey has already been long, but it is far from over. Amalea will wear glasses and she has a lazy eye. It is a cruel world out there - I work with kids, I know how mean they can be - and I will send my baby girl out into it looking "different" from everyone else. As a mom, this is an incredibly scary feeling.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
a little understanding please
I've been thinking a lot about a situation in my life that happened 2 years ago...for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it lately. Probably because the whole thing just breaks my heart. Some of you know about this situation and may be surprised that this still bothers me so much - I don't know why it does - but it does. I apologize if this post is a big vague, but I don't need to name names or point fingers or bring anyone else into this....it's not about that...it is about the fact that this is on my heart and I need to talk about it. That is what this blog is intended to be - a place for me to share my heart. The good and the ugly.
Two years ago around this time a friendship of mine ended. This is the only time in my life something like this has happened. Sure there are people you don't really connect with and don't really become good friends with, but this was someone who I was getting to be friends with and then because of a few things the friendship ended. The bigger problem is that when the friendship ended between me and this person it also ended a friendship between my husband and an already established good friend. This is what still hurts two years later.
The thing that still bothers me is that this situation didn't have to end up like it did, but because of a lack of understanding or care to try and understand it did. I will not defend myself to the death - I made mistakes in this situation, I said things that were out of line and I admitted all of that to this person and asked for forgiveness. I don't know that forgiveness was ever granted to me because the friendship never continued.
Why do I ask for understanding? At the time that this happened I had a 3 month old. My first child. I was so overwhelmed by being a new parent. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and how to comfort my baby that cried a lot and how to deal with the lack of sleep I was getting. Yes, this may sound like it is an excuse and the truth is that it is - but I think it's a damn good excuse. I was experiencing a lot of changes in my life and wasn't as gentle or gracious as I should have been, but for crying out loud my whole life had just changed and I was confused and needed some help and grace. I was not given grace, I was not treated gently, I was not given forgiveness and that really bothers me 2 years later.
For those of you with new babies you know how hard the beginning can be as you transition into this huge change in your life. For those of you without new babies you may have no idea what this is like (though you may have seen someone close to you go through this change, I don't personally believe you can ever fully understand it until you yourself go through it - but maybe I am wrong), but please I beg all of you without babies try, try, try to give a little extra grace to the new moms around you. Even though new moms are in a state of bliss holding their tiny little baby it is still hard and some things around them don't make as much sense as they did before and they are probably tired and maybe even in physical pain or emotional pain. Try to understand and be gentle. That is my plea - friendships don't have to be lost and I shouldn't have to cry about this 2 years later.
Two years ago around this time a friendship of mine ended. This is the only time in my life something like this has happened. Sure there are people you don't really connect with and don't really become good friends with, but this was someone who I was getting to be friends with and then because of a few things the friendship ended. The bigger problem is that when the friendship ended between me and this person it also ended a friendship between my husband and an already established good friend. This is what still hurts two years later.
The thing that still bothers me is that this situation didn't have to end up like it did, but because of a lack of understanding or care to try and understand it did. I will not defend myself to the death - I made mistakes in this situation, I said things that were out of line and I admitted all of that to this person and asked for forgiveness. I don't know that forgiveness was ever granted to me because the friendship never continued.
Why do I ask for understanding? At the time that this happened I had a 3 month old. My first child. I was so overwhelmed by being a new parent. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and how to comfort my baby that cried a lot and how to deal with the lack of sleep I was getting. Yes, this may sound like it is an excuse and the truth is that it is - but I think it's a damn good excuse. I was experiencing a lot of changes in my life and wasn't as gentle or gracious as I should have been, but for crying out loud my whole life had just changed and I was confused and needed some help and grace. I was not given grace, I was not treated gently, I was not given forgiveness and that really bothers me 2 years later.
For those of you with new babies you know how hard the beginning can be as you transition into this huge change in your life. For those of you without new babies you may have no idea what this is like (though you may have seen someone close to you go through this change, I don't personally believe you can ever fully understand it until you yourself go through it - but maybe I am wrong), but please I beg all of you without babies try, try, try to give a little extra grace to the new moms around you. Even though new moms are in a state of bliss holding their tiny little baby it is still hard and some things around them don't make as much sense as they did before and they are probably tired and maybe even in physical pain or emotional pain. Try to understand and be gentle. That is my plea - friendships don't have to be lost and I shouldn't have to cry about this 2 years later.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
beauty
Why is it so hard to ask for help in life? Why do we feel the need to do everything and be everyone until we reach the point of exhaustion. It's all about looking like we have all our shit together - but I don't - and I don't believe anyone else does either. Being real and honest can sometimes get ugly - but it's real and that in itself is beauty. Beauty happens when we come together and share our true feelings, our heart, our emotions, our fears, our failures. When we stand next to a friend who is hurting and say nothing, but stand to support them and let them know how much we care. Beauty is when we ask for help and receive it without someone expecting something in return.
If I am honest with myself, I cannot do this life alone. I can try so hard it nearly kills me, but in the end I have not gained a thing, but have just worn myself so thin I cannot be the person God created me to be. I cannot work two jobs, raise two kids, have a healthy marriage, and a healthy self image unless I have help. The help of my husband, my friends (here and in other states), my family (especially my mother) - this is how I stay balanced.
So, then why is it so damn hard for us to ask for help? I know I need it, but I still struggle to ask. Why do we try to appear all put together? I don't understand this about myself, about this world. Life is not always pretty and together and it doesn't always make sense, but the more energy we spend trying to appear that way the less energy we have to truly live freely.
If I am honest with myself, I cannot do this life alone. I can try so hard it nearly kills me, but in the end I have not gained a thing, but have just worn myself so thin I cannot be the person God created me to be. I cannot work two jobs, raise two kids, have a healthy marriage, and a healthy self image unless I have help. The help of my husband, my friends (here and in other states), my family (especially my mother) - this is how I stay balanced.
So, then why is it so damn hard for us to ask for help? I know I need it, but I still struggle to ask. Why do we try to appear all put together? I don't understand this about myself, about this world. Life is not always pretty and together and it doesn't always make sense, but the more energy we spend trying to appear that way the less energy we have to truly live freely.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Can you love more than one
Before I got pregnant with Maya I always wondered how I would be able to love another child as much as I loved Amalea. I knew I wanted more than just one child, but I just didn't understand how I would be able to split my love between more than one kid. Amalea was given all my time and all my attention and love. Would that all change if there was another kid around?
Now, I am sure some of you think it's silly I questioned this. Of course I see examples every day of families that have more than one child and love them all equally. But still, I was nervous.
Maya is now 5 months old and sure enough I have come to see that you can love more than one child and you can love them equally. I still struggle with feeling like I give Maya most of my attention because she needs help with everything still and Amalea is a very independent kid. But my attention does not equal my love. My love for my girls is equal and just because my time is now split between the two of them it doesn't mean I love Amalea any less.
Parenting is a balance. I try to find time for each kid individually, for my husband, for us together as a family, for work, for friends, and sometimes even for myself. It is exhausting, but it is so rewarding. To be able to love in all aspects of my life; to be so blessed with all the aforementioned things...I cannot complain. It is possible to love equally and I am so thankful that I have two wonderful children to love.
Now, I am sure some of you think it's silly I questioned this. Of course I see examples every day of families that have more than one child and love them all equally. But still, I was nervous.
Maya is now 5 months old and sure enough I have come to see that you can love more than one child and you can love them equally. I still struggle with feeling like I give Maya most of my attention because she needs help with everything still and Amalea is a very independent kid. But my attention does not equal my love. My love for my girls is equal and just because my time is now split between the two of them it doesn't mean I love Amalea any less.
Parenting is a balance. I try to find time for each kid individually, for my husband, for us together as a family, for work, for friends, and sometimes even for myself. It is exhausting, but it is so rewarding. To be able to love in all aspects of my life; to be so blessed with all the aforementioned things...I cannot complain. It is possible to love equally and I am so thankful that I have two wonderful children to love.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Young love
Earlier this week we got to spend a few days with our friends Noah and Rachael. They are engaged to be married in August and while we were hanging out I was reminded of the excitement of young love.
I love my husband very much and I feel like our love continues to grow and deepen as we adventure through life together. But sometimes I think we forget to just goof around and have that starry love struck look in our eyes. We have two kids, work "real world" jobs, and have a lot more responsibility than we did when we first met. I know there are days I probably forget to tell Jim how much I love him and there are plenty of days that I am stressed or overwhelmed with life that I forget to be "in love". We often spend our time together talking (whether about the business of life or about our feelings and emotions) and while this is important, I know I have forgotten to have moments of young love.
I have been reminded how important it is to really be in love and be in that moment. To put aside all the other distractions and "old people" responsibilities to tell my husband how great he is and how much I love and appreciate him. To find time to goof around and maybe have a little tickle war or play soccer in the kitchen.
Being in love is one of the most freeing feelings and getting to spend the rest of your life with your best friend is the greatest gift.
Jim - I love you more than words can express.
Noah and Rachael - congrats on your upcoming wedding and thanks for the reminder. your love is a beautiful thing; don't ever let that go.
I love my husband very much and I feel like our love continues to grow and deepen as we adventure through life together. But sometimes I think we forget to just goof around and have that starry love struck look in our eyes. We have two kids, work "real world" jobs, and have a lot more responsibility than we did when we first met. I know there are days I probably forget to tell Jim how much I love him and there are plenty of days that I am stressed or overwhelmed with life that I forget to be "in love". We often spend our time together talking (whether about the business of life or about our feelings and emotions) and while this is important, I know I have forgotten to have moments of young love.
I have been reminded how important it is to really be in love and be in that moment. To put aside all the other distractions and "old people" responsibilities to tell my husband how great he is and how much I love and appreciate him. To find time to goof around and maybe have a little tickle war or play soccer in the kitchen.
Being in love is one of the most freeing feelings and getting to spend the rest of your life with your best friend is the greatest gift.
Jim - I love you more than words can express.
Noah and Rachael - congrats on your upcoming wedding and thanks for the reminder. your love is a beautiful thing; don't ever let that go.
Friday, January 1, 2010
kids make me want to vomit
Yesterday I knew we needed to get out of the house, but it was pouring rain and I wasn't sure where to go. I had already been to the Children's Museum this week so I opted to head to McDonald's so Amalea could play on the play structure. It was our first time...soon after Amalea climbed up into the play structure I realized I had no idea what was up there and that I couldn't really see her. There were tons of bigger kids running around playing rough and I totally went into panic mode. Here I am holding Maya trying to see if I can find Amalea through one of the windows in the tall play structure and I started to feel sick. I literally felt like I was going to throw up I was so worried. What was Amalea doing up there? Was she freaking out and scared? Were the big kids pushing her around? Serious panic set in. I was trying to find something fun for her to do and I ended up stressing myself out. After giving her a pretty decent amount of time to play I finally couldn't handle my worry any longer so I climbed up in the play structure (while holding Maya) and got Amalea to come down. Of course she was having a blast playing and was doing perfectly fine so I didn't need to panic at all...how I am going to handle her going to school I have no idea!!!
Friday, December 25, 2009
2010 Baby Mania
As I begin to look forward to 2010 there is one thing in particular I am looking forward to with great anticipation - babies. No, not another one for me...but instead I get to help welcome a number of babies into this world as some of my dear friends are expecting.
January 1, 2009 was the day I found out I was pregnant with Maya. January 3, 2009 I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a miscarriage. It was frightening in so many ways. I had just come to know there was a little baby inside of me and I thought just days later that I was going to lose that baby. Luckily she was fine and as you all know Maya joined our family on August 15, 2009. Maya is one of the best things of 2009 - and it was a hard year, probably the hardest year of my life. There are many things in 2009 that I am happy to put behind me and I am happy to be able to say this year of my life is over. It was hard. And yet 2009 brought me Maya...and as hard as it has been to transition to having two kids (and a lot of other changes as well) it has been an incredible journey as Maya grows and changes and also changes me, Jim, and Amalea. Babies have that ability - the ability to change us and make us do things we never thought we would do. The ability to make us scream and cry because we are so frustrated and also to make us scream and cry because we are so elated. They make us better people, more loving, more caring, more free...babies truly are a gift that changes us forever.
2010 will bring babies to 5 of my dear friends.
In January we will help welcome Baby Girl Leonardo. This is especially exciting because the Leonardo's also have another daughter, Ania, and so we will be able to go through raising 2 girls together!
In February Everett David Vaughn will be arriving. The Vaughn's are dear friends and we are so excited to be a part of welcoming Everett and hope he loves music and soccer as much as his daddy, Devin, and Jim do.
In April Baby Girl Reed comes. The Reeds have been such blessings to us. They have volunteered countless times to watch our girls and we trust them like no others. They also live about 2 blocks away from us so we get to see them often. We are excited to return many favors to these two wonderful people and can't wait to love on their baby girl.
In May my dear friend Lindsay Pompey will be having a baby boy. This little boy is extra special as we have been waiting for him for some time. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant with Maya, Lindsay had her second miscarriage. There were a lot of emotions for me as I was pregnant with Maya and so badly wanted my friend to have her hearts desire - a baby. For reasons unknown that just wasn't the time...but now it is and I could not be happier. There are some people in our lives that just make us smile and Lindsay and her husband Chris are those people...they will be incredible parents.
Finally, in June my best friend is having a baby. This makes me want to move back to California so badly because raising our children together would be a dream come true. Andy truly was a person that came into my life at a crucial time. She has been there to walk with me through some of life's hardest things. She makes me laugh and challenges me to talk deeply and freely about some of the more uncomfortable topics. Andy and her husband Danny are such special people. I hope to be able to be there for their baby as much as Andy was there for me after I had Amalea - but I know with living in different states it will be hard...thank God for telephones, skype, and airplanes.
Here's to hoping for 5 healthy and beautiful babies. Congrats friends.
January 1, 2009 was the day I found out I was pregnant with Maya. January 3, 2009 I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a miscarriage. It was frightening in so many ways. I had just come to know there was a little baby inside of me and I thought just days later that I was going to lose that baby. Luckily she was fine and as you all know Maya joined our family on August 15, 2009. Maya is one of the best things of 2009 - and it was a hard year, probably the hardest year of my life. There are many things in 2009 that I am happy to put behind me and I am happy to be able to say this year of my life is over. It was hard. And yet 2009 brought me Maya...and as hard as it has been to transition to having two kids (and a lot of other changes as well) it has been an incredible journey as Maya grows and changes and also changes me, Jim, and Amalea. Babies have that ability - the ability to change us and make us do things we never thought we would do. The ability to make us scream and cry because we are so frustrated and also to make us scream and cry because we are so elated. They make us better people, more loving, more caring, more free...babies truly are a gift that changes us forever.
2010 will bring babies to 5 of my dear friends.
In January we will help welcome Baby Girl Leonardo. This is especially exciting because the Leonardo's also have another daughter, Ania, and so we will be able to go through raising 2 girls together!
In February Everett David Vaughn will be arriving. The Vaughn's are dear friends and we are so excited to be a part of welcoming Everett and hope he loves music and soccer as much as his daddy, Devin, and Jim do.
In April Baby Girl Reed comes. The Reeds have been such blessings to us. They have volunteered countless times to watch our girls and we trust them like no others. They also live about 2 blocks away from us so we get to see them often. We are excited to return many favors to these two wonderful people and can't wait to love on their baby girl.
In May my dear friend Lindsay Pompey will be having a baby boy. This little boy is extra special as we have been waiting for him for some time. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant with Maya, Lindsay had her second miscarriage. There were a lot of emotions for me as I was pregnant with Maya and so badly wanted my friend to have her hearts desire - a baby. For reasons unknown that just wasn't the time...but now it is and I could not be happier. There are some people in our lives that just make us smile and Lindsay and her husband Chris are those people...they will be incredible parents.
Finally, in June my best friend is having a baby. This makes me want to move back to California so badly because raising our children together would be a dream come true. Andy truly was a person that came into my life at a crucial time. She has been there to walk with me through some of life's hardest things. She makes me laugh and challenges me to talk deeply and freely about some of the more uncomfortable topics. Andy and her husband Danny are such special people. I hope to be able to be there for their baby as much as Andy was there for me after I had Amalea - but I know with living in different states it will be hard...thank God for telephones, skype, and airplanes.
Here's to hoping for 5 healthy and beautiful babies. Congrats friends.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Why worry
I am a worrier...I always have been. In college I used to worry when my parents didn't call to check in when they said they would (a bit reversed, huh). When Jim doesn't answer his phone when I know he is somewhere he can I freak out and convince myself he is on the side of the road dead (pathetic I know).
So, when we realized a few weeks ago how tight our finances were with me not working I worried. There are other reasons I started looking for work besides just finances...we were hoping it could provide an opportunity for Jim to have more time with the girls and also for my mental health. But I was stressing...worrying...panicing even about it all.
But why do I worry...things always work out. When will I learn to trust in that, my past experiences, instead of worry and panic.
I got offered 3 jobs! And I am taking two of them.
Job #1: Teaching online. I will be teaching Junior English through Orange Lutheran Online which is a high school in Southern California. This starts the end of January and is an 8 week course. I am super excited because I get to work from home which means it doesn't take away from my time with the girls, but I get to keep teaching which I also love.
Job #2: Site Coordinator for ClubZ tutoring. I applied and interviewed for a position as a tutor in an after school program. I was hoping to get at least 6-8 hours a week doing this. I got called today and they offered me a position, but not just as a tutor, but as a site coordinator. What this means is I get 15 hours a week and will get paid more an hour than I would have as a tutor. There are 8 hours after school and the other 7 are on my own time contacting kids, scheduling, recruiting, and doing other organization things (I love organizing). So, the additional hours don't take away from my time with the girls.
Why worry, right? I feel like this is the story of our family. We realize how things are just isn't working and that we need to re-figure things out and then it all comes together...even better than we could have hoped.
So, when we realized a few weeks ago how tight our finances were with me not working I worried. There are other reasons I started looking for work besides just finances...we were hoping it could provide an opportunity for Jim to have more time with the girls and also for my mental health. But I was stressing...worrying...panicing even about it all.
But why do I worry...things always work out. When will I learn to trust in that, my past experiences, instead of worry and panic.
I got offered 3 jobs! And I am taking two of them.
Job #1: Teaching online. I will be teaching Junior English through Orange Lutheran Online which is a high school in Southern California. This starts the end of January and is an 8 week course. I am super excited because I get to work from home which means it doesn't take away from my time with the girls, but I get to keep teaching which I also love.
Job #2: Site Coordinator for ClubZ tutoring. I applied and interviewed for a position as a tutor in an after school program. I was hoping to get at least 6-8 hours a week doing this. I got called today and they offered me a position, but not just as a tutor, but as a site coordinator. What this means is I get 15 hours a week and will get paid more an hour than I would have as a tutor. There are 8 hours after school and the other 7 are on my own time contacting kids, scheduling, recruiting, and doing other organization things (I love organizing). So, the additional hours don't take away from my time with the girls.
Why worry, right? I feel like this is the story of our family. We realize how things are just isn't working and that we need to re-figure things out and then it all comes together...even better than we could have hoped.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Learning reversed
Sometimes I don't realize how much I learn from Amalea and Maya. As a parent I focus so much on teaching them.
With Amalea it's teaching her letters and numbers, how to play fairly and share, how to use her words instead of have tantrums, how to be creative and explore the world around her, how to love books and reading :-)
With Maya it's teaching her how to sit up, how to lift her head when on her stomach, how to grasp her toys and play with them, how to soothe herself when upset.
But...the learning goes so much deeper than that. In ways I don't even realize my daughters are teaching me every day. These are some of the things I learn from them:
With Amalea it's teaching her letters and numbers, how to play fairly and share, how to use her words instead of have tantrums, how to be creative and explore the world around her, how to love books and reading :-)
With Maya it's teaching her how to sit up, how to lift her head when on her stomach, how to grasp her toys and play with them, how to soothe herself when upset.
But...the learning goes so much deeper than that. In ways I don't even realize my daughters are teaching me every day. These are some of the things I learn from them:
- To play. I get so stressed about life and things that are not important. They drag me away from the worries and help me see the joy of playing.
- To sing and dance. Amalea loves to do these two things. It is so freeing to dance and sing and be silly. I feel a weight lifted every time I do.
- To run. We have a long hallway and Amalea loves running up and down it...running with her while holding Maya makes me laugh every time.
- To smile. Maya's smile has a way of melting me no matter what. I have learned just how powerful a smile can be.
- To cuddle. The warmth of holding my girls in my arms makes me so happy and reminds me to enjoy the moment.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hard decisions
I know I have blogged about this before and I'm sure 99% of you don't care to read more about my journey with nursing Maya - but for you 1% here it is. Actually, in the end I blog because writing out my thoughts and struggles really helps me process them - it's not about who reads it or who doesn't - it's about the journey I am on.
This morning I decided that I am going to be finished nursing Maya. I will try to still nurse her when she gets up in the middle of the night and maybe one other time before bed, but it is not going to be the primary way in which I feed her. For me this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make as a mother. It was also one of the hardest decisions I had to make after Amalea was born. With Maya I was really determined to nurse her because I was really bummed it was so hard with Amalea. Yet, in the end it has been really hard once again.
I know that plenty of people have told me it's ok if I give her formula and while I believe that I don't think I was ready to give myself the freedom not to nurse. I needed to be ok with this decision and up until today I really wasn't. I was still struggling through it and trying as hard as I could to nurse...but I am now ok with this decision.
I am reading a really good book called "I was a really good mom before I had kids" and one chapter is on guilt and one on judgment and both of these have reminded me that this is my journey - the journey of my family and I need to be doing what is best for all of us. At one point the authors of this book asked mothers what the hardest decision they have had to make in parenting was. Some said whether or not to work and while that was also a hard decision for me I think the biggest struggle was the decision to stop breastfeeding. It weighed hard on me with both of my daughters and with both I endured a lot of pain to try and make it work.
I have come to realize that part of parenting is making hard decisions. I know this is only the beginning - just wait until they become interested in boys!!!
This morning I decided that I am going to be finished nursing Maya. I will try to still nurse her when she gets up in the middle of the night and maybe one other time before bed, but it is not going to be the primary way in which I feed her. For me this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make as a mother. It was also one of the hardest decisions I had to make after Amalea was born. With Maya I was really determined to nurse her because I was really bummed it was so hard with Amalea. Yet, in the end it has been really hard once again.
I know that plenty of people have told me it's ok if I give her formula and while I believe that I don't think I was ready to give myself the freedom not to nurse. I needed to be ok with this decision and up until today I really wasn't. I was still struggling through it and trying as hard as I could to nurse...but I am now ok with this decision.
I am reading a really good book called "I was a really good mom before I had kids" and one chapter is on guilt and one on judgment and both of these have reminded me that this is my journey - the journey of my family and I need to be doing what is best for all of us. At one point the authors of this book asked mothers what the hardest decision they have had to make in parenting was. Some said whether or not to work and while that was also a hard decision for me I think the biggest struggle was the decision to stop breastfeeding. It weighed hard on me with both of my daughters and with both I endured a lot of pain to try and make it work.
I have come to realize that part of parenting is making hard decisions. I know this is only the beginning - just wait until they become interested in boys!!!
Friday, November 6, 2009
To work or not to work
When Amalea was 9 weeks old I went back to work in the mornings. I got to work about 7:00 in the morning, taught 4 classes and was home by 12:00. I didn't feel like I missed a tremendous amount of time with her and luckily I was home for all the major milestones in her life. Plus it allowed Amalea and Jim to have the mornings together - and if you know how Amalea is with Jim you know that time they had created such an incredible bond between them.
We were lucky we had this option - Jim was able to go in to work at 1:00 because he worked evenings doing youth group stuff and in the end he got all his work done with no problem. This also allowed for us to get great insurance (one perk of teaching) and to have a really great income between our two jobs combined.
When we moved to Portland I continued to teach and still taught just 4 classes. However, my hours were a lot worse this time. I worked from 8:00 until 3:00....the 7-12 thing was so much better.
I took a year leave of absence from my job this year to stay home with the girls. The 8-3 days were really brutal on me and I felt like I really missed out a lot with Amalea. I really missed being able to get home at lunch time (and I was making the same amount of money doing 7-12 as I was doing 8-3...my school in CA was much more flexible with me). We made the decision at the end of last school year that I would take this year off. It didn't make sense to have to pay for daycare just so I basically could keep working (because I do love teaching) and so we could keep benefits. That was a tough decision though...I mean you want to make sure you can take your kids to the doctor when they need to go and my insurance benefits were really good. We didn't know how everything would work out financially, but we trusted that this was the best decision for our family.
I haven't really missed teaching a whole lot....well, I take that back. I have missed teaching - I love Language Arts and I love working with adolescents - but I have not missed getting up every morning and having to be prepared and on top of things every day. There isn't much room to have an off day as a teacher. And things are definitely tight financially as we are trying our best to make it work with just one income...and our health benefits are costing quite a bit more than they did and the coverage is not as good.
I was asked this week to come back and teach 2 classes in the morning. My first thought was that I would love to do that. To be a part of the staff and get to teach and have a little time each day away from my kids (trust me, I love them, but my days have been really draining me lately). Jim and I weighed the option from a financial standpoint, from a benefits and healthcare standpoint, from a time standpoint and what it would mean for his job and the girls getting to have time with him possibly, from a daycare standpoint and if that was an option...in the end though what made the decision was my gut. I couldn't get the feeling out of my gut that I just didn't want to go back - not yet. As much as I truly feel some days like I am going insane I am not ready to go back yet. I know I will have the chance to be in the classroom again, but for now where I want to be is with my girls. I want the chance to find balance with them, I want to see them grown and help them grow. I don't want to be gone every day for a few hours (not to mention that the hours wouldn't have been ideal since school doesn't even start until 9:30 - way too late in my opinion). I want to be here, I want to be present, I want to feel sanity with my girls.
I am so thankful I have an understanding husband who is working his ass of so that I can be home. I am thankful he is willing to make cuts in our finances so that I can be here. It's not easy on him to work long days and then come home and run up and down the hallway with Amalea and take Maya when she cries...but he does it. It's not easy for him to see me in my frazzled and slightly insane moments (sometimes with tears in my eyes) but he listens to me and helps so much.
We were lucky we had this option - Jim was able to go in to work at 1:00 because he worked evenings doing youth group stuff and in the end he got all his work done with no problem. This also allowed for us to get great insurance (one perk of teaching) and to have a really great income between our two jobs combined.
When we moved to Portland I continued to teach and still taught just 4 classes. However, my hours were a lot worse this time. I worked from 8:00 until 3:00....the 7-12 thing was so much better.
I took a year leave of absence from my job this year to stay home with the girls. The 8-3 days were really brutal on me and I felt like I really missed out a lot with Amalea. I really missed being able to get home at lunch time (and I was making the same amount of money doing 7-12 as I was doing 8-3...my school in CA was much more flexible with me). We made the decision at the end of last school year that I would take this year off. It didn't make sense to have to pay for daycare just so I basically could keep working (because I do love teaching) and so we could keep benefits. That was a tough decision though...I mean you want to make sure you can take your kids to the doctor when they need to go and my insurance benefits were really good. We didn't know how everything would work out financially, but we trusted that this was the best decision for our family.
I haven't really missed teaching a whole lot....well, I take that back. I have missed teaching - I love Language Arts and I love working with adolescents - but I have not missed getting up every morning and having to be prepared and on top of things every day. There isn't much room to have an off day as a teacher. And things are definitely tight financially as we are trying our best to make it work with just one income...and our health benefits are costing quite a bit more than they did and the coverage is not as good.
I was asked this week to come back and teach 2 classes in the morning. My first thought was that I would love to do that. To be a part of the staff and get to teach and have a little time each day away from my kids (trust me, I love them, but my days have been really draining me lately). Jim and I weighed the option from a financial standpoint, from a benefits and healthcare standpoint, from a time standpoint and what it would mean for his job and the girls getting to have time with him possibly, from a daycare standpoint and if that was an option...in the end though what made the decision was my gut. I couldn't get the feeling out of my gut that I just didn't want to go back - not yet. As much as I truly feel some days like I am going insane I am not ready to go back yet. I know I will have the chance to be in the classroom again, but for now where I want to be is with my girls. I want the chance to find balance with them, I want to see them grown and help them grow. I don't want to be gone every day for a few hours (not to mention that the hours wouldn't have been ideal since school doesn't even start until 9:30 - way too late in my opinion). I want to be here, I want to be present, I want to feel sanity with my girls.
I am so thankful I have an understanding husband who is working his ass of so that I can be home. I am thankful he is willing to make cuts in our finances so that I can be here. It's not easy on him to work long days and then come home and run up and down the hallway with Amalea and take Maya when she cries...but he does it. It's not easy for him to see me in my frazzled and slightly insane moments (sometimes with tears in my eyes) but he listens to me and helps so much.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Once upon a time...
...there was a young mother of two. Her daughters were beautiful and brought her so much joy, but lately she had really been struggling with how to give both of her daughters the love and attention she wanted to give them. She had an adorable infant who wanted to keep mommy in eyesight at all times and a vibrant two year old who wanted to run and play all day long. She had spent the summer months (the end of her pregnancy) going on daily adventures with her oldest daughter. They kept very busy and went so many great places. After the birth of her youngest the adventures slowed down greatly. Life was definitely easier if she just stayed home and played there, but the mother really struggled because though staying home was much easier with the baby she felt terrible for her older daughter who had to see all her adventures end. Now of course she knew that the adventures were only on pause for a short time and would continue in the future, but it was hard to explain that to an active two year old. The mother tried to take smaller adventures close to home, but often times those ended with at least one child in tears (though often both - and sometimes even the mother too). And so, the mother is left a bit confused on how to raise a toddler and a baby without feeling like she is neglecting one of them.
(OK, I understand this is third person, but it just seemed easier than admitting it as a first person story :-)
(OK, I understand this is third person, but it just seemed easier than admitting it as a first person story :-)
Friday, October 30, 2009
It clicks
I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now and one of the main reasons is because I wanted to better understand why I struggle so much with becoming frustrated or angry and not being able to move beyond that feeling. It's like I get stuck in this emotion and even if I feel like it is illogical I can't break out of it.
This last week in my time with my counselor I had one of those moments where it clicked - where it made sense and I understood myself in a new way.
There are two important pieces of this discovery: 1 - I don't advocate for myself and 2 - I am on empty.
First, I know exactly what I want and need much of the time, but I don't vocalize that. I am so afraid to say what I need because I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't see that in order to be healthy I need to take care of myself. I am so afraid to come off as someone who is selfish that I instead let my own needs go. I try to give hints as to what I need and I do for others what I would want to have done for me and then if it doesn't happen for me I get into a funk - which often means I am frustrated or angry. I then get frustrated with things that probably wouldn't normally frustrate me, but I am so caught up in the emotion of it that I become almost irrational.
Second, I am on empty because I am not speaking my needs and I am getting frustrated and angry and then also giving (yes sometimes hoping to be given to in return - but please don't mistake this to mean that if I have given of myself to you that I did not want to or that it was because I wanted in return...most of the time my giving is 100% genuine) so I am left feeling empty. I feel exhausted (emotionally, spiritually, physically) because of this. I so desperately need to be filled up again. I need to speak up what I need so that I don't become empty and thus not so much fun to be around.
One of my favorite things about teaching is when I see a student have a moment where it clicks for them. When they have struggled to understand a concept and I have worked so hard with them on it and all of a sudden they get it - it clicks - it is such a great feeling as a teacher. For me this week I was on the other side where something about my own self clicked - I was not the teacher, but the student - and it felt so good.
It is hard for me to write about this because it is a level of vulnerability I am very uncomfortable with, but Jim has inspired me (through his own blog posts) to be more vulnerable. My friends have also inspired me to share these parts of myself by encouraging me and helping me to see that sharing these parts actually helps others relate to me. Sometimes we feel so alone in our emotions, but the truth is that we probably are not...but sharing the "crap" is so hard to do because it sets you up to be made fun of or for people to walk away from you. We want friends, we want to be liked...but we so desperately want to be safe. For me safety means protecting myself from being hurt by others - but I will never get to know anyone and will never let anyone know me if I am always safe.
This last week in my time with my counselor I had one of those moments where it clicked - where it made sense and I understood myself in a new way.
There are two important pieces of this discovery: 1 - I don't advocate for myself and 2 - I am on empty.
First, I know exactly what I want and need much of the time, but I don't vocalize that. I am so afraid to say what I need because I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't see that in order to be healthy I need to take care of myself. I am so afraid to come off as someone who is selfish that I instead let my own needs go. I try to give hints as to what I need and I do for others what I would want to have done for me and then if it doesn't happen for me I get into a funk - which often means I am frustrated or angry. I then get frustrated with things that probably wouldn't normally frustrate me, but I am so caught up in the emotion of it that I become almost irrational.
Second, I am on empty because I am not speaking my needs and I am getting frustrated and angry and then also giving (yes sometimes hoping to be given to in return - but please don't mistake this to mean that if I have given of myself to you that I did not want to or that it was because I wanted in return...most of the time my giving is 100% genuine) so I am left feeling empty. I feel exhausted (emotionally, spiritually, physically) because of this. I so desperately need to be filled up again. I need to speak up what I need so that I don't become empty and thus not so much fun to be around.
One of my favorite things about teaching is when I see a student have a moment where it clicks for them. When they have struggled to understand a concept and I have worked so hard with them on it and all of a sudden they get it - it clicks - it is such a great feeling as a teacher. For me this week I was on the other side where something about my own self clicked - I was not the teacher, but the student - and it felt so good.
It is hard for me to write about this because it is a level of vulnerability I am very uncomfortable with, but Jim has inspired me (through his own blog posts) to be more vulnerable. My friends have also inspired me to share these parts of myself by encouraging me and helping me to see that sharing these parts actually helps others relate to me. Sometimes we feel so alone in our emotions, but the truth is that we probably are not...but sharing the "crap" is so hard to do because it sets you up to be made fun of or for people to walk away from you. We want friends, we want to be liked...but we so desperately want to be safe. For me safety means protecting myself from being hurt by others - but I will never get to know anyone and will never let anyone know me if I am always safe.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Mom Brain
I have always prided myself on my ability to remember things. And not just remember basic information, I have a knack for remembering details...what people were wearing, what the weather was like...those kind of details.
And all of a sudden I am so incredibly forgetful. I spelled someones name wrong - and this is not someone who I should have forgotten how to spell it; I forgot to call my dad on his birthday; I forgot I was making a meal for another new mom and did it one week late because I got mixed up....what!!!! I don't do those kinds of things. What has happened to me???
Oh yeah, I have two kids. A needy infant (she doesn't like to be put down much) and a growing toddler that is testing her boundaries. I am so exhausted so much of the time that I can't remember the basic things.
I am realizing how much my life needs to shift now that I am a parent of two. I just can't manage as many things as I used to. I can't plan to go to friends for dinner whenever I want or run to the store really quickly to pick something up. I need to write things down or else there is a good chance I will forget. I also need to be better about voicing myself. Some things are just too hard to manage right now, but I need to tell people that rather than make plans and have to cancel. I have a lot to learn about being a mom of two!!
And all of a sudden I am so incredibly forgetful. I spelled someones name wrong - and this is not someone who I should have forgotten how to spell it; I forgot to call my dad on his birthday; I forgot I was making a meal for another new mom and did it one week late because I got mixed up....what!!!! I don't do those kinds of things. What has happened to me???
Oh yeah, I have two kids. A needy infant (she doesn't like to be put down much) and a growing toddler that is testing her boundaries. I am so exhausted so much of the time that I can't remember the basic things.
I am realizing how much my life needs to shift now that I am a parent of two. I just can't manage as many things as I used to. I can't plan to go to friends for dinner whenever I want or run to the store really quickly to pick something up. I need to write things down or else there is a good chance I will forget. I also need to be better about voicing myself. Some things are just too hard to manage right now, but I need to tell people that rather than make plans and have to cancel. I have a lot to learn about being a mom of two!!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Am I 13?
Why do I care so much what people think about me? At times I feel like I am driven to do certain things because of what other people will think about me because of it. I know it's so wrong to feel this way, but it's a struggle sometimes.
I had a really hard time nursing Amalea and stopped at about 4 weeks. With Maya I have had a bit of an easier time, but it has still been really hard. I won't go into any details, but it's been 9 weeks and at times I just break down and cry because its so challenging. And yet...I care too much what others will think if I give her formula that I continue to struggle through it.
There are other reasons I really want to keep nursing - its the best thing for her, it saves us money, its convenient - but in the end I know one of the biggest things holding me back is that I don't want other people to think less of me because I give my daughter formula.
This is just a moment of total honesty...I don't want to care. I want to be confident enough in my decisions for myself and my family that I don't need the approval of others...but it is so hard.
I had a really hard time nursing Amalea and stopped at about 4 weeks. With Maya I have had a bit of an easier time, but it has still been really hard. I won't go into any details, but it's been 9 weeks and at times I just break down and cry because its so challenging. And yet...I care too much what others will think if I give her formula that I continue to struggle through it.
There are other reasons I really want to keep nursing - its the best thing for her, it saves us money, its convenient - but in the end I know one of the biggest things holding me back is that I don't want other people to think less of me because I give my daughter formula.
This is just a moment of total honesty...I don't want to care. I want to be confident enough in my decisions for myself and my family that I don't need the approval of others...but it is so hard.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
So impressed
I never would have guessed that a 2 year old could love a newborn so much. Every day I am more and more impressed with how Amalea loves on Maya. When Maya cries Amalea comes to tell me she is crying (as if I didn't know). She tries to give her a pacifier, she pushes her in the swing, she gives her toys to play with, she cuddles with her, tries to pick her up, rocks in the rocking chair with her, and gives her enormous amounts of hugs and kisses. It blows my mind. I am so thankful for my girls and the love they already have. I pray every day that the love, care, and concern remain with them throughout their entire lives.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Balance
I haven't really figured out how to find balance just yet as a mother of two. Some days I think I can do everything I used to do without a problem and set out with the kids in tow. Usually at some point I realize I am overwhelmed and am trying to do too much. Other days I decide to just stay home and play here, but then Amalea gets a little stir crazy and tends to find trouble at that point. So, where is the balance? I think I need to find a few things to do to get us out, but they need to be things geared towards my kids (mainly Amalea at this point), not towards me.
I know a balance of taking care of my needs and my girls' needs can be found, but I am still working on that.
With all that said...Amalea is at such a fun age. She is listening really well and usually when she doesn't listen its a choice of hers, not that she doesn't understand. She has started to speak in full sentences and can even carry on a conversation...so much fun! She is very accident prone - maybe as a result of her vision problems - so I always feel a little nervous, but I she is definitely tough because of that.
Maya is growing into her own little person and is almost two months old. She can't fit into her newborn clothes anymore and I feel like she is growing even faster than Amalea did. She has a lot of strength and is starting to play and smile more. I love when I walk into a room because she focuses on me and follows me with her eyes...we've definitely been bonding!
My girls are incredible and I am so thankful for them. I know balance will be found as we live each day and learn from the things we do well and the things that don't go so well.
I know a balance of taking care of my needs and my girls' needs can be found, but I am still working on that.
With all that said...Amalea is at such a fun age. She is listening really well and usually when she doesn't listen its a choice of hers, not that she doesn't understand. She has started to speak in full sentences and can even carry on a conversation...so much fun! She is very accident prone - maybe as a result of her vision problems - so I always feel a little nervous, but I she is definitely tough because of that.
Maya is growing into her own little person and is almost two months old. She can't fit into her newborn clothes anymore and I feel like she is growing even faster than Amalea did. She has a lot of strength and is starting to play and smile more. I love when I walk into a room because she focuses on me and follows me with her eyes...we've definitely been bonding!
My girls are incredible and I am so thankful for them. I know balance will be found as we live each day and learn from the things we do well and the things that don't go so well.
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