Thursday, July 23, 2009


Maya remains in the breech position (head up instead of down and ready to enter the world) and it is getting really tight in there so she doesn't have much room to actually turn at this point. I am trying what I can to get her turned so that we can have a natural childbirth. I know that a C-section is always a possibility and that for us it is an even higher possibility at this point and I am coming to terms with that.
It's not that I think a C-section is such a bad thing...but I long so much to birth my child and have the doctors put her in my arms in that moment as she takes her first breath and lets out a little cry. I didn't get to have that moment with Amalea and it makes me sad that I may not get to have that moment with Maya either.
When Amalea was born her cord had been pinched and she was immediately responded to be a pediatric emergency team. They cleaned her right away, cut her cord, and treated her. She was breathing, but not strongly...not strong enough to let out a cry even. It was one of the scariest moments in my life watching them work on my daughter I had been preparing for for the last 9 months. Jim and I just prayed and cried together as they reassured us she would be ok (and of course she was).
I guess a part of me needs to let go of the "ideal or perfect" birth and realize that whatever it takes to have healthy child is most important. It's not about me or my experience, but about my daughter and her safe entry into this world.

The elephant in the room

I had a job interview yesterday and felt fairly confident going into it except for one thing...I have a giant belly that is obviously very close to popping! I thought for sure as soon as I walked in they would want to ask when the baby was due and they would realize that Maya should be here pretty close to the start date for the position.
Instead my giant stomach was like the elephant in the least to me it was :-) The 3 people who were interviewing me never asked about it. They did go over the dates a couple of times (maybe to make sure I knew), but they never said anything direct. At one point I said "obviously I am expecting a baby soon" and one of the guys sarcastically said "no way!" and then proceeded to tell me that they could not ask about it. Pregnancy cannot legally effect whether or not I get the position so instead it was just avoided.
Obviously at every second of the day I feel the baby and am pretty uncomfortable at this point so to me it is something I always am thinking about...this is why it was so odd to just avoid the topic. But it is probably better they don't realize how close the dates actually are.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

It's Done

Those of you who know me know that I have major test anxiety. When Jim and I first started talking about moving we heard that Oregon accepted the CSET which was the testing I had to do in order to get my teaching license in CA. It was perfect because I wouldn't have to take more tests. Then we got here and I started working and realized that in fact OR did not accept the CSET, but that I had to take 4 more tests here in OR in order to get my teaching license. The anxiety set in big time!!!
I put off the tests until I got pregnant and then figured I better get it done before the baby came so I didn't have that worry in the back of my mind. First I took the ORELA which is a multiple subject test (something I didn't have to take in CA since I taught high school). After a few months I took the PRAXIS (the harder of the tests and more similar to the CSET).
I never feel great after taking a test. No matter how confident I am I just can't convince myself I did well. In addition there was some serious life anxiety happening the day I took the PRAXIS and I wasn't as focused as I would to like to have been so I really didn't feel great about it (or life at that point).
Today I got news that I passed the PRAXIS. I passed the ORELA a few months ago. It is all finished now!!! I can officially get my OR teaching license and be finished with all the horrible tests.

Monday, July 6, 2009


I feel like I use busyness as an excuse all the time. I am too busy to make plans with people. I am too busy to take time for myself. I am too busy to write in my journal. I am too busy to read a book. I am too busy to make dinner. In the end it's just an excuse and I need to stop giving it because it really is not legitimate. I haven't done the things I love in way too long (reading, writing, being alone) and it's time for me to make time rather than make excuses.