Wednesday, January 27, 2010

a little understanding please

I've been thinking a lot about a situation in my life that happened 2 years ago...for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it lately. Probably because the whole thing just breaks my heart. Some of you know about this situation and may be surprised that this still bothers me so much - I don't know why it does - but it does. I apologize if this post is a big vague, but I don't need to name names or point fingers or bring anyone else into's not about is about the fact that this is on my heart and I need to talk about it. That is what this blog is intended to be - a place for me to share my heart. The good and the ugly.
Two years ago around this time a friendship of mine ended. This is the only time in my life something like this has happened. Sure there are people you don't really connect with and don't really become good friends with, but this was someone who I was getting to be friends with and then because of a few things the friendship ended. The bigger problem is that when the friendship ended between me and this person it also ended a friendship between my husband and an already established good friend. This is what still hurts two years later.
The thing that still bothers me is that this situation didn't have to end up like it did, but because of a lack of understanding or care to try and understand it did. I will not defend myself to the death - I made mistakes in this situation, I said things that were out of line and I admitted all of that to this person and asked for forgiveness. I don't know that forgiveness was ever granted to me because the friendship never continued.
Why do I ask for understanding? At the time that this happened I had a 3 month old. My first child. I was so overwhelmed by being a new parent. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and how to comfort my baby that cried a lot and how to deal with the lack of sleep I was getting. Yes, this may sound like it is an excuse and the truth is that it is - but I think it's a damn good excuse. I was experiencing a lot of changes in my life and wasn't as gentle or gracious as I should have been, but for crying out loud my whole life had just changed and I was confused and needed some help and grace. I was not given grace, I was not treated gently, I was not given forgiveness and that really bothers me 2 years later.
For those of you with new babies you know how hard the beginning can be as you transition into this huge change in your life. For those of you without new babies you may have no idea what this is like (though you may have seen someone close to you go through this change, I don't personally believe you can ever fully understand it until you yourself go through it - but maybe I am wrong), but please I beg all of you without babies try, try, try to give a little extra grace to the new moms around you. Even though new moms are in a state of bliss holding their tiny little baby it is still hard and some things around them don't make as much sense as they did before and they are probably tired and maybe even in physical pain or emotional pain. Try to understand and be gentle. That is my plea - friendships don't have to be lost and I shouldn't have to cry about this 2 years later.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Why is it so hard to ask for help in life? Why do we feel the need to do everything and be everyone until we reach the point of exhaustion. It's all about looking like we have all our shit together - but I don't - and I don't believe anyone else does either. Being real and honest can sometimes get ugly - but it's real and that in itself is beauty. Beauty happens when we come together and share our true feelings, our heart, our emotions, our fears, our failures. When we stand next to a friend who is hurting and say nothing, but stand to support them and let them know how much we care. Beauty is when we ask for help and receive it without someone expecting something in return.

If I am honest with myself, I cannot do this life alone. I can try so hard it nearly kills me, but in the end I have not gained a thing, but have just worn myself so thin I cannot be the person God created me to be. I cannot work two jobs, raise two kids, have a healthy marriage, and a healthy self image unless I have help. The help of my husband, my friends (here and in other states), my family (especially my mother) - this is how I stay balanced.
So, then why is it so damn hard for us to ask for help? I know I need it, but I still struggle to ask. Why do we try to appear all put together? I don't understand this about myself, about this world. Life is not always pretty and together and it doesn't always make sense, but the more energy we spend trying to appear that way the less energy we have to truly live freely.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Can you love more than one

Before I got pregnant with Maya I always wondered how I would be able to love another child as much as I loved Amalea. I knew I wanted more than just one child, but I just didn't understand how I would be able to split my love between more than one kid. Amalea was given all my time and all my attention and love. Would that all change if there was another kid around?
Now, I am sure some of you think it's silly I questioned this. Of course I see examples every day of families that have more than one child and love them all equally. But still, I was nervous.

Maya is now 5 months old and sure enough I have come to see that you can love more than one child and you can love them equally. I still struggle with feeling like I give Maya most of my attention because she needs help with everything still and Amalea is a very independent kid. But my attention does not equal my love. My love for my girls is equal and just because my time is now split between the two of them it doesn't mean I love Amalea any less.

Parenting is a balance. I try to find time for each kid individually, for my husband, for us together as a family, for work, for friends, and sometimes even for myself. It is exhausting, but it is so rewarding. To be able to love in all aspects of my life; to be so blessed with all the aforementioned things...I cannot complain. It is possible to love equally and I am so thankful that I have two wonderful children to love.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Young love

Earlier this week we got to spend a few days with our friends Noah and Rachael. They are engaged to be married in August and while we were hanging out I was reminded of the excitement of young love.
I love my husband very much and I feel like our love continues to grow and deepen as we adventure through life together. But sometimes I think we forget to just goof around and have that starry love struck look in our eyes. We have two kids, work "real world" jobs, and have a lot more responsibility than we did when we first met. I know there are days I probably forget to tell Jim how much I love him and there are plenty of days that I am stressed or overwhelmed with life that I forget to be "in love". We often spend our time together talking (whether about the business of life or about our feelings and emotions) and while this is important, I know I have forgotten to have moments of young love.
I have been reminded how important it is to really be in love and be in that moment. To put aside all the other distractions and "old people" responsibilities to tell my husband how great he is and how much I love and appreciate him. To find time to goof around and maybe have a little tickle war or play soccer in the kitchen.
Being in love is one of the most freeing feelings and getting to spend the rest of your life with your best friend is the greatest gift.

Jim - I love you more than words can express.
Noah and Rachael - congrats on your upcoming wedding and thanks for the reminder. your love is a beautiful thing; don't ever let that go.

Friday, January 1, 2010

kids make me want to vomit

Yesterday I knew we needed to get out of the house, but it was pouring rain and I wasn't sure where to go. I had already been to the Children's Museum this week so I opted to head to McDonald's so Amalea could play on the play structure. It was our first time...soon after Amalea climbed up into the play structure I realized I had no idea what was up there and that I couldn't really see her. There were tons of bigger kids running around playing rough and I totally went into panic mode. Here I am holding Maya trying to see if I can find Amalea through one of the windows in the tall play structure and I started to feel sick. I literally felt like I was going to throw up I was so worried. What was Amalea doing up there? Was she freaking out and scared? Were the big kids pushing her around? Serious panic set in. I was trying to find something fun for her to do and I ended up stressing myself out. After giving her a pretty decent amount of time to play I finally couldn't handle my worry any longer so I climbed up in the play structure (while holding Maya) and got Amalea to come down. Of course she was having a blast playing and was doing perfectly fine so I didn't need to panic at I am going to handle her going to school I have no idea!!!