Saturday, January 17, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

I tend to be a pretty emotional person. I cry at every wedding I go, sometimes even at silly television shows, lately every time I hear Obama really is kind of pathetic, and yet...this is who I am.
You can imagine all the emotions I felt when I initially found out I was pregnant. So much excitement and yet also a sense of fear - the life of a baby inside of me is very fragile business. My emotions have continued to run all around.
Two days after I found out I was pregnant I went to the Emergency Room because I thought I was having a miscarriage. I had somewhat resolved within myself that if indeed a miscarriage is what had happened it was okay - it wasn't the right time. When I saw the baby moving with the little heart beating on the ultrasound I nearly jumped off the bed - everything was ok.
One week after we found out I got devastating news from a very dear friend that she had just had her second miscarriage in a row. I felt so much confusion. How is this fair? To be totally honest there was a part of me that almost wished I would miscarry too so I could be there with her. Of course I didn't wish my child would not make it, but I wished there was something I could do to be more empathetic. The pain I felt for her was so intense that I just cried and asked why. I have this very odd feeling in my celebration these days because I want to be celebrating with my friend instead of mourning. I don't understand why these things happen. I don't know the right words to say and because I live in a different state I cannot be there with her. How do I celebrate when those around me are hurting? It just feels odd.