One year ago on this weekend out of jealousy I said something very offensive to another person and when all was said it done it basically ended up ruining two budding friendships and causing one existing friendship to fall apart. It is something I am not proud of it. Part of the reason this still bothers me one year later is because I was never forgiven for what I said. The existing friendship that fell apart should not have ended that way and in truth it is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever been a part of.
This morning at church for a brief moment our pastor talked about forgiveness and all of this stuff from last year really hit me. I think I have been so bothered by the fact that I was not forgiven by this other person that I did not allow myself to forgive me. And to some degree I think that has held me back in other friendships. I am nervous that I might say the wrong thing or that some seemingly simple thing I do will be taken completely wrong and again friendships will fall. I can't think that way anymore. I must move forward with the confidence that I am forgiven and that yes I make mistakes, but I am not a malicious person - that just isn't me. By not allowing myself to forgive me I have been living thinking I am like that - malicious - and I'm not. I am forgiven and loved and allowed more chances. I can't be so concerned about what could have been (or what I feel strongly should have been) when it's done and when I did all I could to ask for forgiveness. I need to accept that God forgave me and doesn't think I am a terrible person and I need to forgive me too.